When I was little, my parents weren't much for cooking, so we ate out ... A LOT. Mostly places my mom called "sit down" restaurants, which meant table service, as opposed to "burger joint" which referred to everything from McDonald's to Taco Bell, which didn't actually have burgers.
My mom, who had chronic verbal diarrhea, and a deep, Southern drawl, insisted on ordering. She had a bad habit of trying to sound like the person she was talking to. I think she thought she was somehow more understandable.
This was particularly embarrassing when we'd go to Chinese or Mexican places because my mom would attempt to "assist" the ethnic servers by SPEAKING IN A BROKEN FOREIGN ACCENT like she was searching the Rosetta Stone tapes in her mind for the right English word.
We hit this Chinese place, Buddha's Delight, on the regular. So much so, that I am STILL sick of Chinese food.
My mom's typical order would go like this. "For me" she would point to herself like Jane introducing herself to Tarzan, "mother have tea, FLied Lice, and, how you say, pork ROmaine." She was being totally ridiculous, inserting the Ls where the Rs go and vice versa.
Then she would sort of hover her hand over my head and say: "For son," sometimes patting me on the head for effect, "Chinese Coke" (this actually happened) "ONE egg rorrrrr" she would hold up a single index finger and shrug kind of subserviently and actually squint her fucking eyes, "and cheeeken flied lice."
Mexican places, it was the same thing. Once, my best friend Jason came out to dinner with us and WITNESSED my mom say to a young male server "Ehhh MUCHACHO, how bout some more CHEEPS Y SALSAAAA".
To her credit, she thought she was helping... Helping to fucking mortify me.
My mom, who had chronic verbal diarrhea, and a deep, Southern drawl, insisted on ordering. She had a bad habit of trying to sound like the person she was talking to. I think she thought she was somehow more understandable.
This was particularly embarrassing when we'd go to Chinese or Mexican places because my mom would attempt to "assist" the ethnic servers by SPEAKING IN A BROKEN FOREIGN ACCENT like she was searching the Rosetta Stone tapes in her mind for the right English word.
We hit this Chinese place, Buddha's Delight, on the regular. So much so, that I am STILL sick of Chinese food.
My mom's typical order would go like this. "For me" she would point to herself like Jane introducing herself to Tarzan, "mother have tea, FLied Lice, and, how you say, pork ROmaine." She was being totally ridiculous, inserting the Ls where the Rs go and vice versa.
Then she would sort of hover her hand over my head and say: "For son," sometimes patting me on the head for effect, "Chinese Coke" (this actually happened) "ONE egg rorrrrr" she would hold up a single index finger and shrug kind of subserviently and actually squint her fucking eyes, "and cheeeken flied lice."
Mexican places, it was the same thing. Once, my best friend Jason came out to dinner with us and WITNESSED my mom say to a young male server "Ehhh MUCHACHO, how bout some more CHEEPS Y SALSAAAA".
To her credit, she thought she was helping... Helping to fucking mortify me.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
danydarko:
Oh my god ur fuckin great! I miss ur face.....
alie_lynn:
Wow! And to think all these years, I thought my mom was the most embarrassing. You totally win! Though I would love to witness this in person. My mom's favorite thing to do when we eat out is that if I get carded for a drink she goes "Can you believe she is over 30?! Do you want to see my ID?" It's like she's bragging or something. It cracks me up! 