It isn’t easy battling with demons, and when nobody else sees what you’re going through, it’s very isolating.
Two things have happened today that made me feel as though I don’t matter at all, and although life throws stuff like this at you, c’est la vie, it’s pretty rough and I can’t wait to start a new day.
First world problems and all that, but it matters to me so I’m writing about it.
Firstly, my support worker, whose job it is to help me with day to day tasks, made me uncomfortable. We were out having a coffee and she started doing that thing people do where they’re talking about one thing on the surface, but really talking about something else. I said something in reply and as soon as I said that, her whole tone changed.
It was as though she was reading in to what I said, thinking I was talking about something else in mask. I don’t wish to be ambiguous;- if I have something to say I’ll come right out and say it.
Maybe due to my illness I’m seeing things that are only in my mind, but it causes me a lot of distress. In the morning I won’t care anymore, I don’t know where I’d be without sleep, probably dead.
Secondly and finally, I wanted to do something for my mum, who died suddenly last September. I miss her an awful lot and I know she impacted on me and my three sisters’ lives enormously. So I decided to organise a family get together for September, on the one year anniversary of her passing.
I got in touch with everyone I wanted to invite and it took them a long time to say they’re not coming.
It’s a disappointment, I’m going to have to cancel it. It made me feel like I want to bring people together, but no one wants to put their differences aside for a cause outside of their own selves. It made me wish they’d see how much it meant to me, and it made me wonder if they care at all.
Again, I’ll get over it, but things like these are a really big deal to me. I wish other people would consider my feelings instead of treating me as though I don’t have any. I may at times come across as brazen and cold, but actually I’m very sensitive and pay attention to everything that’s being said to me, constantly analysing it, constantly unsure of what is going to be said next as I’m used to people turning on me for apparently no reason.
Bobo crush their skulls!!!