According to writer and psychiatrist RD Laing, from the book ‘The Divided Self’, if you suffer from the schizoid condition, be it schizophrenia in my case, you may experience such a thing as a ‘disembodied self’.
What this means is you start to feel as though you are not really existing, or hollow and empty. The strategies you use to survive as a social animal are eclipsed; and so you are unable to function at the same level as a psychotypical (in some cases).
With the absence of the self, you may start to feel as though things such as your personality are supplied by others. The world becomes a massive mirror and it becomes possible to see things in others and relate them to yourself.
Essentially, you’re a vessel and not your own person.
When you are alone, you feel empty and with nothing to provide for others, when you are with someone or in a group, you feel more alive and autonomous, as though you are living off of their energy like some kind of vampire.
And it’s for this reason I’m not dressing up for Halloween, I’m already scary enough ;)
Boo.