I'm tired, have a headache, and am dreading going to work tomorrow... But all I can think of is the future. I'm so consumed with where I want my life to be for years to come that I can't sleep. And I don't think that's a bad thing. I wish more people would look forward instead of just thinking about the here and now. How can you get to the future if you're just living for the moment? There are many things in the future that I want in my life. I was just thinking of all the friends that I no longer have, and even though I know they were not really friends if the left me so quick and tried to go out of their way to ruin me. But I can't help, for a time, but think that it is 100% my fault. That time may be only 0.68 seconds, but for an android, that is nearly an eternity. I find it very strange that I had a follower request on Twitter from Val, I can't help but think that it's most definitely a trap. She would not return any of my messages, would not talk to me, and neither would Jane, and that's pretty fucked up. Ever since 2009 I've lost so many "friends":
Mark
Paul
Chris
Val
Jane
Dani
Maria
Jess
Smurf
Mandy
Clarissa
Well obviously once I spell them out, I can't help but think and see that they were not about me, they were about what they could get for themselves from me. And obviously Mandy is a who separate thing in itself. But it's quite a crazy situation. Sometimes I wonder how can I be strong enough to get through it, but then I realize that I don't have a choice, so that makes things a lot easier to deal with. No choice = No complications. Unfortunately that doesn't equate to no confusion. I have very few people in my life, and even fewer of them are people I consider friends. When people who were your brothers immediately turn on you and admittedly do things in an attempt to make you want to kill yourself, you realize they were never your friends. They never had your back, they were just waiting for an opportunity to stab it. But the very idea that they were up to that just shows that they don't know anything about me. Like seriously, me, suicide? I'm the type to do everything to be better than you and make sure you know it to torture you with the obviousness of my success. Admittedly, I'm still working on the success part. But at least I can say, one thing about them, they lack conviction.
Mark
Paul
Chris
Val
Jane
Dani
Maria
Jess
Smurf
Mandy
Clarissa
Well obviously once I spell them out, I can't help but think and see that they were not about me, they were about what they could get for themselves from me. And obviously Mandy is a who separate thing in itself. But it's quite a crazy situation. Sometimes I wonder how can I be strong enough to get through it, but then I realize that I don't have a choice, so that makes things a lot easier to deal with. No choice = No complications. Unfortunately that doesn't equate to no confusion. I have very few people in my life, and even fewer of them are people I consider friends. When people who were your brothers immediately turn on you and admittedly do things in an attempt to make you want to kill yourself, you realize they were never your friends. They never had your back, they were just waiting for an opportunity to stab it. But the very idea that they were up to that just shows that they don't know anything about me. Like seriously, me, suicide? I'm the type to do everything to be better than you and make sure you know it to torture you with the obviousness of my success. Admittedly, I'm still working on the success part. But at least I can say, one thing about them, they lack conviction.
rabidbuttons:
giant hugs