spent another hour last night with scalpels opening my skin. it was better for some reason. perhaps because i have accepted, and admitted, that i do it because it is soothing to me. while my leg is being cut i am completely in the moment. it is my garanteed meditation. and hey if the scars stick around then i'll have something to show other freaks, yea.
i love that all of the people i have met in this circle do things for diferent reasons. i do the cuttings for the process of it being done. sean and shayna were doing it for the end result. i am looking forward to the healing process. a week or so of blood stained gauze, the sting of the alcohol, and the look on peoples faces when i tell them i pour salt on it before i wrap it. shayna is probabally not as excited about this, but she has sean to help her. that is beautiful.
why is it that when i tell people, "i cut myself" they get concerned or sarcatic. but if i go and get a 'cutting' with a pattern and pretty stars it is easier for them to accept? "think of it as an inkless tattoo" seems to ease their worry. it's all 'social accepability' bullshit. and unfortunatly it exists even within the world of body modification. even tyler gave me a sideways look when i told him that andee had two rings impulsively placed in her tounge.
"who is andee?" you ask. let me tell you. andee is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. she is a girl with whom i do not feel the need to impress. and she tells me that she feels the same way. i sincerely want to get to know her. she has a dog. we share common interests. we miss each other when were not together. when we are together, we don't care what we are doing. we kiss in public. we hold hands when we walk. we both recognize the importance of music. we don't have sex yet. and above all else, we are scared shitless.
i think gratitude is not regreting the past for if my life did not take the exact course it did, andee would not be in it today. i am truly happy happy with life right now and everything that has brought me to it.
have no regrets.
k, bye.
i love that all of the people i have met in this circle do things for diferent reasons. i do the cuttings for the process of it being done. sean and shayna were doing it for the end result. i am looking forward to the healing process. a week or so of blood stained gauze, the sting of the alcohol, and the look on peoples faces when i tell them i pour salt on it before i wrap it. shayna is probabally not as excited about this, but she has sean to help her. that is beautiful.
why is it that when i tell people, "i cut myself" they get concerned or sarcatic. but if i go and get a 'cutting' with a pattern and pretty stars it is easier for them to accept? "think of it as an inkless tattoo" seems to ease their worry. it's all 'social accepability' bullshit. and unfortunatly it exists even within the world of body modification. even tyler gave me a sideways look when i told him that andee had two rings impulsively placed in her tounge.
"who is andee?" you ask. let me tell you. andee is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. she is a girl with whom i do not feel the need to impress. and she tells me that she feels the same way. i sincerely want to get to know her. she has a dog. we share common interests. we miss each other when were not together. when we are together, we don't care what we are doing. we kiss in public. we hold hands when we walk. we both recognize the importance of music. we don't have sex yet. and above all else, we are scared shitless.
i think gratitude is not regreting the past for if my life did not take the exact course it did, andee would not be in it today. i am truly happy happy with life right now and everything that has brought me to it.
have no regrets.
k, bye.
It's all the same, when you get right down to...
Regardless!
I'm happy for you and this Andee girlie of yours! Have no regrets, indeed!