foxfyre819

he doesn't believe me. part of me doesn't blame him. that was an awful lot for someone to say. huge responsibility comes with that. however, the other part of me wonders how he could possibly deny the truth. i see it in his eyes. i know he sees it in mine.
in the past few months, i've seen a totally different side of myself. i didn't even know that part of me existed. maybe it didn't. maybe it was given breath by him.
i would do almost anything for him. more so than i would do for even my closest friends, or even my family. i find myself wanting despirately to submit all that i am to him. i want to find the total freedom of trusting someone with every ounce of me. not just "someone."
kristopher.
he thinks i tell him things because i want to make him feel good. ----but that's all.
i've never been one who's been apt to blow sunshine. being nice is one thing, but lying serves no one.
how could he not see me. how could he not see the truth in me. how could he not see me shine when he's in the same room? how could he deny this elating, this painful, inexplicable draw between us? it's been there for 12 yrs. for goodness sakes!
but no. he comes home every now and again, the last time for thanksgiving, and the time coming up to "pick up some stuff" cuz he's getting an apartment, and the time after that for christmas, no doubt.
but what then? what excuse could he have then? none.
i don't know. maybe i'll let him play his games and give him his space until he runs out of excuses. but he's gotta come clean sometime in the fairly near future.
i think he doesn't understand something about me:
unlike most women, i can tell him that i'm in love with him, meaning it with everything that i am, and
still walk away.
my goodness. where to go from here.....