fellinibird

So here is what I've learned today. The internet isn't real. As much as I want all of you people to actually be in my life and care about it's trials and progress and struggle and success, you can't and you won't. The internet isn't real. The relationships aren't either. I'm still as alone as I ever was. And this has all been one huge let down.

I've also learned or discovered that I think a mediocre life is way worse than a horrible one. Because you don't really have room to complain but things still aren't very good.

I thought I was in fucking love, what a joke. I'm being fucking ignored. In the beautifully eloquent words of Carl from ATHF, "It don't matter, none of this fucking matters."

I drink PBR in a bottle and it makes me feel good.

I listen to MGMT and it makes me feel justified.

I sit at home and pretend there are people who enjoy me, and that makes fulfilled in the most empty way possible.

I've hit an all time low! What a great time to be me.

I will NEVER commit suicide, but that doesn't stop me from wondering how difficult it really is.



I'm trying to think of happy things to write in here. This is the only blog I've been keeping lately. I painted my nails to take my mind off things. The color is called Pink Ribbon.

The absolute best part of all of this is that by advertising myself in such a way, I'm probably scaring off anyone who would be willing to be real for me. Oh well, better you know now I suppose.

I thought I was in love with someone and they're ignoring me right now, or at least I think they are. I figured that if the feelings were as astounding as they were made out to be, the least this person could do is reply to an email. Or maybe that's too much to ask, I don't really know. That's where all this is stemming from, sorry you're reading my disjointed thoughts on the whole thing. That and the fact that I lay in bed after midnight every night unable to close my eyes and sleep. That NEVER helps things.

Life's just fucked up right now. Maybe someday you'll read this blog and it will all be better. I'm not holding my breath, you probably shouldn't either.