erin

Remember these days?

I used to smoke, and be emaciated looking. I used to live in California and wonder who my real friends were. I used to think I was a lot cooler than I really was, and drive my boyfriend's convertable and smoke too much pot and think my thoughts and feelings were so much more important. I used to say, " I feel like..." and "I think..." almost compulsively. I used to play the victim, regularly.

The first time I got really drunk after everything changed, I woke up the next morning, mortified that I had exposed myself - I'm not sure as what exactly, but that I had probably let a little too much of myself show. The next few times after that were similar, I felt sick to my stomach not only because of the hangover but because I could dimly recollect bits and pieces of the evening prior that maybe I'd rather have forgotten.

I don't drink quite as much, or quite as hard, as I did then... but I have stopped caring quite so much about the impressions I might have left behind in the evening. I stopped trying to be liked by everyone. I'm not tortured by "the real me" even though I'm much sillier, much nerdier and I've lost the big eyes and naive sweetness that I had as an emaciated 23-year-old nervously sucking on an American Spirit.

Mark it - Empowerment doesn't come from nude modeling, or leaving your boyfriend, or getting shitcanned every chance you get. Empowerment is deciding what you want, and getting it. As long as you play the victim, you will never be in control. As long as you can't decide what to do, you will never get it right. I'm going to try to make myself remember that.

Now I just need to figure out what it is that I want....