endquire

Actually it reminds me of why alucard is my favorite vampire and one of my favorite characters overall. I like to give away all the information that could in theory allow others to defeat and destroy me so that when they fail to it is ever more clear that the failure is in them. I like to allow those who might try to manipulate or use me to think they are getting away with everything and that they are really in control. I find the empty arrogance of others amusing. When they think they have so much control, planned for whatever, think they thought of everything. Yet the most superficial probing reveals the hollowness of the facade they have created. It is fun to see the inevitable failures of others and watch them come to fruition. Like building a house of rotten wood on a lot with poor drainage. I delight in the punishment of hubris. To be clear, what I see as arrogance and hubris are essentially claims or actions that exceed ones actual capacity. confidence is knowing ones capacities. Few people genuinely do in terms of either what they are actually capable of or what they are not. We no longer live in a world where ones existence is defined by real things. People live an ever more distant, vacant, artificial, inhuman existence.

I got a new ferret calender which in conjunction with other recent experiences and seeing along came polly today makes me really miss having ferrets. I still have their medicine in my refrigerator.

The lyrics to fiya by tuneyards. I thought I would share it for those who have never heard of tuneyards and the lyrics might mean something to them.

I always have so much running through my head when I am buzzing about the day but when I am able to write it down it disappears. It is hard to hold on to my humanity when I am essentially just here being battered by the gross incompetence of everyone and flaws in every thing. I gave ebay a clear condemnation of their flawed customer service operations. I have been thinking about carrying a wooden spoon or something else. I once had thought about one of those ice breaker things that are like a metal weight with a flexible plastic handle. With that I could place it on the forehead of the offensive imbecile then pull it back and thock(a fine element of english I learned from mad magazine). The pain would be sharp but temporary. It would shock and cause an intense reaction. the energy resonating through their sinuses would help make it memorable as well as the sound of the skull impact. people need consequences to curb their behaviors. Essentially the reason for laws is that people who are declared adults are generally incapable of acting in a mature, intelligent fashion. There are other reasons for laws like supporting the special interests that benefit, collecting money in fines for the government to make up for lost tax revenues, and to lord will on others. I am just tired of this world of myth and self delusion.

I think everyone needs to see the movie full moon high because it is hilarious. It may be a little dry for some people. However, it has adam and alan arkin in it. It is charmingly absurd, silly and rather twisted at parts.

I can say that there are some redeeming elements to my job. I have been driving around the city a lot which can be quite beautiful. When I am not fighting traffic and trying to recall where my tire knocker is so that I can deftly move from my truck to the drivers side window of a taxi so I can smash the window open, drag him out and teach him some manners. There are so many beautiful things in amongst the old buildings, unique things, charming shops and all sorts of things I find. Other things are painfully frustrating. I generally worry about the fact that I know that no one else is as good as me so I worry about those customers. The more praise I get the more it upsets me that others are not me and fail to do the best possible. If your job is ultimately to help people and you fail. That means that you failed to help people. That isn't bullshit, that is your weakness and inadequacy causing harm. I have to let these people live and it is sad. There is no such thing as good enough there is only where you gave up, unless you fully completed the task. So many of the people compliment me and thank me for how much I have taught them. It makes it painfully clear how much they wouldn't have been told, taught and what would have been missed if I wasn't there. I actually work against my company on the behalf of customers to make sure that they are taken care of. Would others do this? no, not at all. not ever. Are they going to think about all the possibilities and options? consider fundamental biological elements and animal behavior to determine a strategy that would be most effective? or do they just throw chemicals around cross their fingers and hope for the best like doctors do. Do you know that in michigan they have instituted the use of checklists that in survey's the doctors were essentially insulted and self righteous about the idea of using them in the care of others. yet 97% would want the doctors who treated them to use such check lists. Upon instituting these checklists on the all knowing all powerful doctors the incidents of post operative death and infection dropped significantly. SO how many people over decades died for the sake of empty arrogance? If I had tried medical school I would have been arrested for assault so many times.

Sometimes I think about how one of my flaws in life may have been being something more than a distant object. Attempting to be a person for people that I loved, attempting to be live a life that was normalish. That has been troublesome. It works out best for me to be a distant object, an imaginary friend. I am better off as a thing to be used. I am not saying I want or am buddhist or something. I am not intending to deny my desires. Buddhism is nihilism with a fetish for orange and big shoulders. I just don't know. What does it mean to be human. Being a human means to give to others and take care of others. humanity evolved to live in these little hunter gatherer groups in africa. Everything about us is built toward living in intimate groups that survived on the basis of cooperation and mutual care. The capitalist world focuses on the economic concepts that selfishness preserves and balances but that is obviously not true and fails routinely. When you reach out to help and take care of others, genuinely. that is like a string going to all those others. If everyone is doing that then it is a web that connects and secures. If everyone is taking care of everyone then you would be surprised at all the things in this world that would genuinely and deeply change. from a lot of those incidents of workplace/school violence to economic issues to oh I don't know i can't list them all it is far too many things. It is not some goofy, hippy, self indulgent, lazy, irresponsible thing. It is about love and responsibility. Some of us are more responsible for this than others, but we all have a part to play in making it work. god my chest hurts.