elora1

so it's been... ... a month and a half since we last spoke.

so much going on. so much in my head. i wish i could make little notes about the things that i think of. the things that i see. all those things that happen for split seconds of time in my head.

"i saw the best moustache on the train the other day."

"i saw an even better one the next day."

"i love the smell of wet lumber and sawdust."

i was the catalyst for the series of events at the hoyne house. i am moving in with him.

i have started school. its's all a whirlwind. already at week four. in an eleven week quarter that seems close to impossible.

i went running yesterday to clear my head. anyone who really knows me knows that when i go running it's really bad. my head. my heart. running is the only thing that makes it quiet. if only for two seconds. the physical pain takes over and then all my brain can focus on is that pain, rather than the silly little things that run endlessly in my head.

i'm not sad. well... i am sad but not really that kind of sad. everything i good. really. it's just that unexplainable-life is good-i shouldn't be sad - sad. i'll be fine. really.

i think i'm just realizing things. i'm scared. how can you be scared of this?




it's not just that. it's school. it's my life.

the first day of school i got so scared i had a panic attack in his shower. he found me naked in the fetal position at the bottom of the tub with the water hitting my back. virtually refusing to go to class. i thought i would throw up on the el.

i have realized pretty much everything i do is based on fear. it's always been like this. i am a procrastinator because i am afraid that if i give myself the full amount of time to complete a project, and it still isn't perfect, then i have failed. whereas if i procrastinate and leave myself less time to do it, i can say, "well i did the best i could with the time that i had." which is of course bullshit. i am just so afraid that even given the full time to make it perfect it may not be.

i am so afraid of failure.

going back to school sort of feels like i am just doing the same thing all over again. i am afraid to fully commit to costume design and the theatre world for fear of failing that i have branched off to learn the world of fashion design.

no... these worlds are not far apart. and in fact my classes will make me a more successful costumer. yet here i am at a point where i feel like it's shit or get off the pot. i'm getting older. i should have goals. now all of a sudden i'm thinking about opening a shop where i can sell fashions, while costume designing in my shop space.

i suppose some of this is that i am forced to decide by the end of the month if i want to remain a member of my stage managers union. i feel pressured. i feel like if i drop this status i am leaving a part of myself behind. that i am kissing an aspect of theatre goodbye that i love. and that by doing so i am moving farther and farther away from what i have been working towards all these years.

i hate not having control. of everything. losing control is another huge fear. i suppose panic attacks are a prime example of my soul trying to crush that fear. since the last thing i am in the middle of an attack is in control.

you can even tell in my art. i am in a design class now where i excel in perspectives and line drawings... meticulous things that require rulers and such. but you put a sumi brush in my hand and i freeze. i'm so afraid i'm going to mess it up that i don't even start.

that's pretty much a metaphor for my life.

i miss you.