Yes

Not only do I fill all those criteria, but I also have a great sense of humour and an exotic accent! When do I start?

i'm game!

where do I apply?  ;)

OK, here goes! I make good sushi, spätzle, and vegetarian Mexican (which is totally a thing), have a quite contagious smile (which is the great thing about it) and... well, I am not a vegetarian myself, being quite partial to the flavor and texture of the bearded clam.  

Pluses: I also give good massages, am first-aid certified and can fly in and out of small airports