Its come time that I offer my troubles to cyberspace, because they bother me too much inside, and I have no one within reach to share them with.
I can finally admit a year and a half after closing my coffee house that Im burnt out. Spent. Wondering if Ill ever muster the energy to do more than get by, resigned to a comfortable mediocrity.
This morning I was turned down for a good job working as a manager of the food cooperative I have been on the board of for the last three years. I was very qualified, but the one they hired is better, with out doubt. Its not the rejection thats go me down, its the though process that it kicked off.
A history:
I was a pretty active person throughout collage, usually having to pave my own way because the standard routes were not what I wanted for myself. When I graduated I committed myself to this small town by opening the only coffee house. And it was the coffee house we all which that we had in our town if only the chains would slink away. I was useful to my community, and my community gave back in so many intangible ways. Competition arose, and I was spent, tired, and little money to compete and after 3.5 years I closed the doors. Ok, ruff, but I can deal.
Its the unwise decisions that I made following the closing that have taken everything that I had left. Substitute teaching allowed me to be babysitter for a few days but wouldnt pay the bills. Selling Insurance? I still have no idea what that was about, I learned some about myself, like the kind of work that I will never do again. For a year after the shop closed I tried to help a group reopen the coffee house, imagine going to weekly therapy with your ex for a year after youve separated. All else fails, go back to school, bide some time, fall in love studying economics and have remedial math skill that hold you at the undergraduate level. And to top it all off, my girlfriend of 3 years who I live with, cant tell that theres something bothering me unless I tell her, and even then just goes though the motion of comforting me with no real effort or care. Which is why Im disturbed to use this forum to vent rather than discussing this with the person whom I love.
If I were to get a job, that wouldnt do it. If Jess and I were more it tune, that wouldnt do it. If I could get into the grad program, that wouldnt do it. It a combination of choices that Ive made that lead towards mediocrity is the blandest of senses. I need to make consistently wise designs soon, but not too hastily. I just pray for the clarity of heart when those decisions present themselves to me.
PS: if you have read through all this youre either extremely board and should turn you computer off and go outside, or your truly interested in what we tend to put ourselves through are humans. Oh, either way, thank you for the interest.
I can finally admit a year and a half after closing my coffee house that Im burnt out. Spent. Wondering if Ill ever muster the energy to do more than get by, resigned to a comfortable mediocrity.
This morning I was turned down for a good job working as a manager of the food cooperative I have been on the board of for the last three years. I was very qualified, but the one they hired is better, with out doubt. Its not the rejection thats go me down, its the though process that it kicked off.
A history:
I was a pretty active person throughout collage, usually having to pave my own way because the standard routes were not what I wanted for myself. When I graduated I committed myself to this small town by opening the only coffee house. And it was the coffee house we all which that we had in our town if only the chains would slink away. I was useful to my community, and my community gave back in so many intangible ways. Competition arose, and I was spent, tired, and little money to compete and after 3.5 years I closed the doors. Ok, ruff, but I can deal.
Its the unwise decisions that I made following the closing that have taken everything that I had left. Substitute teaching allowed me to be babysitter for a few days but wouldnt pay the bills. Selling Insurance? I still have no idea what that was about, I learned some about myself, like the kind of work that I will never do again. For a year after the shop closed I tried to help a group reopen the coffee house, imagine going to weekly therapy with your ex for a year after youve separated. All else fails, go back to school, bide some time, fall in love studying economics and have remedial math skill that hold you at the undergraduate level. And to top it all off, my girlfriend of 3 years who I live with, cant tell that theres something bothering me unless I tell her, and even then just goes though the motion of comforting me with no real effort or care. Which is why Im disturbed to use this forum to vent rather than discussing this with the person whom I love.
If I were to get a job, that wouldnt do it. If Jess and I were more it tune, that wouldnt do it. If I could get into the grad program, that wouldnt do it. It a combination of choices that Ive made that lead towards mediocrity is the blandest of senses. I need to make consistently wise designs soon, but not too hastily. I just pray for the clarity of heart when those decisions present themselves to me.
PS: if you have read through all this youre either extremely board and should turn you computer off and go outside, or your truly interested in what we tend to put ourselves through are humans. Oh, either way, thank you for the interest.
soft_shoulder:
perhaps a change of homespace... flee