deux

Most days, I don't know why I bother or what the fuck I'm doing anymore.

And, tempted though I may be to leave that cryptic and decidedly negative assesment of my current state of mind stand without explanation, it wouldn't be fair to those that do come to my page.

So I propose a thinly veiled (at least for those who know my situation) hypothetical question to you:

If someone claimed they loved you, and you went out of your way for them more times than you can remember, sent them packages, wrote them letters, sent them money and took care of all their bills, and yet this person can't be bothered to write you a letter for 4 months, would you be hurt? Suppose the only communication you got was sporadic IMs and the occasional five minute phone call. Would it sting?

If you were hurt, how would you express that hurt without sounding needy and clingy? I trust this person. I love them very much, and I really do know they love me, too. I do not want to lose them over something that probably sounds highly trivial to an outsider. But I can't stop the tears and I can't turn off the hurt. I can't help feeling like all the things I'm doing and all the things I'm feeling are for nothing. And I truly don't want to be resentful when this person is finally able to come home.

So I say nothing. I pretend it doesn't matter. I go on with my life and hope that weeks of silence mean they're too busy to bother communicating with me, rather than live in fear that they're lying dead in a ditch somewhere.

I don't know how much longer I can do this.

Emotions should have an on/off swtich.