Lately reality has seemed like a fog. People around speak in muffled tones that I barely recognize and it's only through years of practice that I can fool (most) everyone into thinking I'm still part of this world. I guess I've been wondering where my anchor point it. I have my parents still and I don't take that for granted but beyond that I have little to keep me from wandering. I know people that care (and they show it frequently) but I still get a sense of trepidation from them when it comes to true acceptance. I realize I am different from most but I still want a place with people in it I can regard as kin to return home to every night; a stable rock I can use for shelter during the storms of existence.
I can probably build one for myself but I know that I can only get so far on my own steam amidst the growing greed of humanity. One day there will be a time when I need someone to carry me beyond my blood line to create something new based on the original conception. We come into this world because of an intimate connection that existed once between two people (though sometimes those two people don't always realize the significant result of that connection) and it seems like many of us spend our entire lives destroying ourselves searching to recreate the spirit of that union. The problem is that I don't think anyone knows the required equations to manufacture a lifelong bond because it all happens in a way we remain ignorant to. It might seemingly come effortlessly to some but I guarantee those fortunate people are as equally mystified by the process as I am.
I bring all this up because I had a strange experience today at work. Two people that worked different shifts (and don't even like each other) told me I should try to have kids before I die. They both expressed great interest in seeing my progeny which was backed up by onlookers. In both cases I expressed my interest in having kids of my own but told them I've had so many problems with finding a suitable partner I'm doubting the attainability of this goal.
I don't think that my standards on any particular woman are too high. I honestly 100% believe that all women are beautiful in their own way even if it's not on the outside. Though if I were to rely on mere physical traits symmetry drives me wild and so far as I've seen all women possess it. <3 The one quality I have the most trouble with is charity. People have doubted me my entire life without reason and I decided about 16 years ago I was sick of it. I'm willing to give any view a certain amount of charity but people aren't willing to do the same for me. If it were just me I'd probably be okay with that but I've found too many people are close minded these days towards the tides of change. I know it's because of the incessant message the media is always jamming down our throats to support the local regime despite what we learn about history's contempt for peace.
This is what brings me full circle.
I think maybe everyone in this world has some sort of purpose. Just as every cell in our body exists to serve a specific purpose to a greater end I'm starting to believe we are no different. If that is the case my end would be incomprehensible to me but at the same time inevitable. The world will only give me what I need and I can only hope that what I get coincides with I want.
Thank you if you read this far, I really appreciate you.
