Well here goes my first blog post.
So I just recently had to decide for sure my separation and divorce of my wife. I do/did not want to do this because I love her, but she doesn't love me. She meant everything to me and I fucked up. I just wish she could have let me prove one last time that I really do need her in my life and that I could make her happy again, but she didn't give me that chance when she stopped me from trying to move on the last time. She said she was sorry for whatever reason she was, she didn't have a reason to be sorry, it was my fault. I was about to see someone else at that time, but she came to me wanting to try to fix things, so I dropped the relationship with the other person so we could work things out. Then one of her best friends had passed away, so she went to her home and stayed for the funeral and on to heal. She came back, I thought things were going to start working out then, but all of a sudden, she meets someone at a DnD game. My world got dropped hard and shattered pretty much. I was doing what I could for her when she wanted to try, then bam, no more.
I had my last lunch with her and we talked things over. I let her know that I could not be friends with her with my feelings to her, it would just hurt to much. It still hurts though, she was my best friend, she knew me and I trusted her with every secret I had, everything. She says I was hers, but towards the end, I didn't feel like I was anymore. It will be a long time before I can really share a life with someone as amazing as she was.
I just don't really know what to do anymore. I've decided I want to start changing the really bad things in my life, like cussing and anger. I'm also not ever going to touch marijuana or alcohol ever again, especially now when I just want to drink myself to death. I will keep on wishing, but unfortunately, shit fills space faster than a wish can or ever will.
So I just recently had to decide for sure my separation and divorce of my wife. I do/did not want to do this because I love her, but she doesn't love me. She meant everything to me and I fucked up. I just wish she could have let me prove one last time that I really do need her in my life and that I could make her happy again, but she didn't give me that chance when she stopped me from trying to move on the last time. She said she was sorry for whatever reason she was, she didn't have a reason to be sorry, it was my fault. I was about to see someone else at that time, but she came to me wanting to try to fix things, so I dropped the relationship with the other person so we could work things out. Then one of her best friends had passed away, so she went to her home and stayed for the funeral and on to heal. She came back, I thought things were going to start working out then, but all of a sudden, she meets someone at a DnD game. My world got dropped hard and shattered pretty much. I was doing what I could for her when she wanted to try, then bam, no more.
I had my last lunch with her and we talked things over. I let her know that I could not be friends with her with my feelings to her, it would just hurt to much. It still hurts though, she was my best friend, she knew me and I trusted her with every secret I had, everything. She says I was hers, but towards the end, I didn't feel like I was anymore. It will be a long time before I can really share a life with someone as amazing as she was.
I just don't really know what to do anymore. I've decided I want to start changing the really bad things in my life, like cussing and anger. I'm also not ever going to touch marijuana or alcohol ever again, especially now when I just want to drink myself to death. I will keep on wishing, but unfortunately, shit fills space faster than a wish can or ever will.
shandyowl:
All I can say by way of support is that if you can grit your teeth and tough it out then the pain will gradually fade.