Okay, this one may get a bit deep. I apologize in advance (assuming anyone reads these!)
The past few years have been a bit rough. I struggled to finish my Master's degree, was stuck in a deadend job where I felt I got no respect from management, and was turned down in every attempt to get another job outside of town (over 110 put out, and I was finally able to get another position ... in town ... because a friend from my grad department pulled some strings for me.) I have been pretty unhappy to say the least, but have somehow managed to avoid realizing it until recently.
Ever since moving to Fargo, I put together what seemed to be a pretty robust and active social life; certainly the best that this shy guy had ever had before (and, yes, I'm shy. I'm very outgoing in life, but I usually use that to cover up the fact that I've always been a deeply shy person). For a while, our crew was one of the best in town, getting invited to every cool party, and getting a lot of respect from everyone else. That started to change about three years back, due to the normal 'dry up' that happens in college towns; people moved on, got married, got higher paying jobs, etc etc etc. My response was to double-down, and grasp on to what I had with even greater intensity. I was irritable, grumpy and generally morose, but the system seemed stable enough; we all went out several times a week and, when we weren't all pissed off at one another, we kept up the illusion that all was well. Stability!
And then a girl waltzed back into my life. If you read the last few journals I've posted, you can figure out where this story is going (hell, there is actually a post from four years back which shows what happened when she brought me low). Let me just say that I had gotten over her, had done everything in my power to make sure we were just good friends, and totally fell for her a second time. Is she interested in me? Apparently not.
And, really, none of that matters for this tale (or, if it does, only in an abstract way). Without even meaning to, she ended up being the catalyst that brought my entire 'stable' system crashing down around me. It was the small things, really; calling me out when I used language that she thought was misogynist, suggesting I should start being more myself, and encouraging me to do things that I had always wanted to. God do I wish this girl felt about me the way I feel about her ... but I digress. Those were all small pushes, but the effects snowballed. It all lead up to a rather spectacular meltdown during my bestfriend's birthday party when an anxiety spell got the best of me. I woke up the next morning and realized that someone who held a mirror up to me (whether they meant to or not), and I was horrified by the face looking back at me.
Ugh. I have been such an asshole to people. I wasn't happy, and rather than express it and deal with it, I just got moody, grumpy and controlling (becoming truly pissy if something didn't come off just as planned). I started becoming one of those thin-skinned men who are always looking to make sure that someone didn't disrespect them or their friends, and must have come off as some low-level mafioso. Worst of all, I started excluding women from my lives (and from myself, if you want to think that every guy has an emotional/feminine side). I just became one of those stereotypical, borish, ass-slapping drunk males. I kept saying I wanted a relationship, but I pulled back and was terrified of any emotional intimacy whatsoever, which lead me to try to chase women just to get them in bed. Thank god I still had enough sense of self not to fall totally into that trap, but still. Generally, if a girl was a friend of mine, I just viewed them as 'one of the guys' (only with boobs!!!), if I thought they were cute, I would chase after them, and everyone else just fell into some strange gray era of disinterest.
So, yeah, I apparently was well on my way to becoming a Sith. Fear leading to anger, anger leading to hate and all that stuff.
I am so mortified right now, and feeling very genuine remorse. I hadn't realized it at first, but shortly after the party where everything went down, I became reconnecting with old female friends of mine that I hadn't seen in some time. I would love to say that I haven't fallen into the pitfall of being overly confessional and contrite, but I would be lying if I did (and, mind you, most of the friends I've had over the years who are women are pretty strong willed. The look on one of their face's when I told them the story ... eep. If she could have reached though the computer to slap me, she would have. Not that I wouldn't have had it coming).
So, it seems that my life is on fire at the moment. And the weird thing is, is that as painful as it is, I can't help but feel its a good thing in the long run. At least I'm finally facing parts of me that I didn't even know were seeping out into my day-to-day life, and coming to grips to them. I've even started to express my more nerdy emotional side (which I've done my best to avoid for years) and also getting used to my own company (I became almost pathologically extroverted for a while there, and stopped being the least bit introspective), and I'm also working through the anxiety issues. So, its for the best. But, wow, is is uncomfortable right now; and I'm still horrified by how I had been acting.
