September 29th is the birthday of the person I promised my future to. Yesterday was the anniversary of his death and his best friends birthday. The day before yesterday I had the courage to confront my demons in what I was lead to believe was a safe environment. Yesterday night through to this morning I ended my relationship with my boyfriend. I won't go into detail because it's still fresh and a very sensitive subject. It is for the best. He was really cool about it too and he's not kicking me out which is golden of him. We love each other as best friends but there were just things I couldn't look past as a girlfriend but as best friends we are perfect. I'm going to cherish it until it ends because I have so much anxiety about losing people that I love.
I was supposed to take said best friend of thine I promised my future, out to eat tonight to celebrate but plans fell through last minute so I texted my now ex that he didn't show and if I could join him at buffalo wild wings and watch the red wings game with him, without hesitation he said yes. I went and we had an amazing time.
I'm not sure how long this will last but so far it's pretty great. I miss loving him like a boyfriend already and it's not fair.
I love being a part of this community because I never feel alone. Some of the girls I've met on here have just been undeniably the most supportive women I've ever had the luck to meet. I am not going to lie to you, I think about death everyday and I have since before I was in grade school but I love spreading happiness and love because I know how much of an impact it makes when someone spreads love to me. I know I'm probably going to get alot of shit for it but just know that if I killed myself, I would never be forgiven and I'm aware of all the people that do love me and give value to my life. The possibility of my self demise is slim to none. So DON'T WORRY.
My depression is temporarily in the spotlight. I have a plan to eat better food that helps produce natural serotonin, put a pause on dating so I can get my priorities and life values straightened out, keep busting my ass at work and on my sculptures and just keep spreading love like it's the something everyone longs for. Because they do.
I love you because you're still reading. I love you because you are you or are trying to be the best you you can be. I'm here to tell you that I'm proud as fuck of you for keeping your shit together when someone is leaning on you when they need you instead of you needing them. I'm so heckin proud of you because you shared a compliment with a stranger to make them smile. I'm the most proud of you for not letting the weight of the world crush your party. Your life isn't easy, you have problems that can't be solved so you sit there thinking day to day how you are going to live with these problems occasionally to the point where you're nauseous. I'm proud of you for not letting the general negativity in your life determine how you treat others. I am a proud panda because you know that you aren't entitled to tomorrow so you try your hardest to be happy everyday.
I love you.
Thank you for reading and making me feel important (:
Dame Suicide
XOXO