crystalblaze

It is easy for some for a man to validate some random woman's "beauty" when he is not dealing with her ugly side. Any physical beauty I MAY possess, which in itself is debatable, is decreased by my bad ass side...which I actually named "shawfala". Shawfala is a real bitch and gets out occasionally in the flury of a violent hell bent hurricane. And in the aftermath, when I pick up the debris and pieces of myself I find the peices of everyone else I had hurt. It is getting harder to put myself back together...it's like humpty dumpty and pretty soon I will be shattered into such small insignificant pieces that I will not be able to put myself together again and no one will even notice me because I will be like dust upon the wind getting in everyone's eyes. Shawfala is evil and she is well trained by the best in the deadly arts of seduction, sabatoge, deceit, and ruin. I know so because it is my mother who has trained her. She is the lasting influence of a childhood's worth of brainwashing. She is hard to kill and even though I have learned to supress her she can not be shut up forever. Shawfala love's these hate tantrums where she can flourish and have free reign. She has destroyed every man, broken every will no matter how indominable that I have come across. Shawfala feels uncomfortable when you tell her you love her, or that she is pretty, she hates hugs and affection and will allow only so much before she fights back. She wants to rip your heart out and snap you like a toothpick and if I don't fight her constantly she will win. She always win. The only way I can ever be in a lasting relationship is if one of two things happen, either I need to find someone who can break Shawfala or I need to find a way to break Shawfala. Only I fear such a man can not exist. And she is too much apart of me to destroy her, there is too much self preservation there to destroy her.