caralesque

i think i live in a world of poetry.

when i have deadlines, instead of panicing and getting on with it like a good, normal student, i put on music that i can loose myself in and sit for hours on my own. there is something not right about that. but i cant seem to get myself out of wallowing around listening to heartbreaks and drug addictions.

and then i get shit marks at uni. its my own fault entirely. until all this business with my ex i got straight A's in my third year, then the week we broke up i got a C. i know i could do better, but i didnt. im capable of getting a good degree but its probably not going to happen because i live in a world of poetry as opposed to the real world. but i don't really feel myself in the real world. is that strange?

one of my mates constantly criticises me for most of the things i do - she is super healthy, super organised, and to be honest super boring sometimes - and she can't understand why i am jepordising my career in this way. well, neither can i. but surely your mates should help you back on track rather than tell you what a waste of space you are.... is that so much to ask? when i stay at home i am becoming a hermit, and when i party all the time i am being self-destructive. i can't win! i know i shouldn't change myself for her, but i really wanna show her that i am not a fuck up. but its just so difficult. im making excuses, i know.

super rant. my apologies.