All my life I couldn't wait to start my own family. My sisters both had kids young at 16 and 18 so by the time I hit 19 I felt behind in the game. I've jumped from relationship to relationship both long term and short term since the 6th grade, always feeling so much more content in life having a partner. I also spent my high school days in the punk scene where brotherhood and taking care of each other was the common theme that struck so close to my soul.
Over the past few years I've moved and grew distance from my brothers of choice and blood and continued seeking out relationships just to feel whole. It was tonight that I realized Ive surrounded myself these past few years by those ahead of my time, utilizing them to learn from the teachings and their struggles. I'm grateful for that but at the same time I've come to realize I no longer have anyone to struggle along side with. I have no brother that I can have at my side when things get rough, no one atleast that shares a similar outlook on life and brotherhood and caring for one another. Yes a partner can be there by your side but I become one with my partners. Their problems become my problems and vice versa, we become a single unit, whereas a brother and I are two individuals, both walking out separate and independent paths but have each other's back throughout it all.
I'm hoping moving back to LA will help me reunite with long disconnected brothers and hopefully I can find the one that I can feel open with and trust like those from my past.
I know that I need to be working towards self fulfillment and self love, but until then, I will continue seeking out both partners and brothers.
Haha first blog in a long time and that felt good to process all of that through this, whether anyone ever reads this or not, that felt nice...