Im not quite sure why, but Ive chosen to live in New Jersey my whole life. Almost all of my friends live in Manhattan and regard me as something of a curiosity-like Im a Platypus or something. As if the desire to be at least 40 feet away from a Starbucks makes me a freak of nature. But there are just several things I need to survive- my car, trees, and at least 30 seconds of quiet. I dont think thats too much to ask. Plus Ive always taken a perverse pride in my much-derided home state. From Springsteen to Sopranos, New Jersey has been nothing but good to me.
I will admit, however, that living here has lead me to meet some interesting people. One of my first apartments was in Lodi, NJ, in a glorified Fonzie apartment, meaning that it was above a garage. My landlord lived in the house connected to the garage underneath my apartment. My landlord's name was Phil. He had slicked black hair, smoked a cigar and wore tinted glasses at all times. His wife-beater season lasted from March until November.
For the first year that I lived in this apartment (I was there for 3 years), my roommate was a guy named Dan. Dan, come to think of it, resembled Phil quite a bit. But that has nothing to do with the story. Anyway, while Dan and I lived together I NEVER saw Phil. I dealt exclusively with his wife, Kathy- who had fake blonde hair and faker big nails. Kathy tawked like dis, but she was very nice and I liked her a lot better than Phil, who somehow seemed to leave a residue wherever, he went. The only problem was she never got around to fixing our kitchen sink, which dripped constantly.
I came home from work one day and Dan was gone. His stuff was gone. Gone.
I needed a new roommate, so I asked my friend Tina. Tina is a stripper. Like Kathy, she's also a fake blonde, but she also has a body like Pamela Anderson (some of that is fake too). Once Tina moved in Phil became a MUCH better landlord. He knocked on the door all the time. "Hey, youse guys need anything?" He'd ask. "No thanks, " we'd reply. "But thanks for offering"
One day one of the pipes in our bathroom erupted and Phil was in his glory. Phil hung around the house all day for a week, ogling Tina as the plumber did his thing. "What's a pretty girl like you do for fun?, hed ask her. Tina replied by telling him that shed be really turned her on by having the kitchen sink fixed also. It was worth a shot. The kitchen sink was never fixed, though.
During this time I got to know my new friend Phil. Phil was impressed with me for three reasons: 1.) I lived with Tina 2.) I worked on The Sopranos and 3.) I lived with Tina. He told Tina once that I may WORK on the Sopranos, but he LIVED it. When Tina asked him to expand on this pregnant insinuation, Phil refused, hinting that divulging such information could cost them both their lives.
Then one day Kathy knocked on our door and said that she had kicked Phil out. He was gone and she had gotten a restraining order. If either of us saw Phil lurking around, we were to call Kathy or the police immediately.
A few weeks went by without incident. Then one Sunday night Tina and I got home after a night of mid-level drunken debauchery. Tina takes two muscle relaxers (don't ask) and I go to bed. After a few minutes I hear Tina calling from upstairs, saying "Chris you HAVE to come here and look at this!" I ran upstairs and she was looking out the front window at Kathy's car, which was sitting in the driveway ON FIRE!! And across the street, sitting on the hood of HIS car watching Kathy's car burn -is Phil. Kathy and the two teenage kids (Phil Jr. -of course- and Tiffany) are on the front lawn. Phil Jr. is screaming "You're a DICK!!!" at his father.
Now, this is about 1 AM. A crowd gathers at the top of the block. The fire dept. comes; the police come and question Phil. Tina, having taken TWO muscle relaxers - and by the way is NAKED-wants to go outside to watch. I say, "We can't go outside!! We'll be standing on the front lawn with them! That's too weird!"
She starts putting on her pajamas as she's running down the stairs and FALLS halfway down because of the muscle relaxers. I clearly have to follow. By the time I catch her, she's already on the front yard (fully clothed, at least) standing next to Kathy. Now this, I would think, would be an awkward landlord/tenant moment, but Tina takes the opportunity (I SWEAR) to ask Kathy if she can have someone look at the leaky kitchen sink!!!!! Kathy, who is watching the fire dept. put out her car and the police dept. question her husband, says, "This may not be a good time".
HERE'S the kicker- Phil moved back in about a week later!!! The moral of the story is that if you love someone- set their car on fire.
I will admit, however, that living here has lead me to meet some interesting people. One of my first apartments was in Lodi, NJ, in a glorified Fonzie apartment, meaning that it was above a garage. My landlord lived in the house connected to the garage underneath my apartment. My landlord's name was Phil. He had slicked black hair, smoked a cigar and wore tinted glasses at all times. His wife-beater season lasted from March until November.
For the first year that I lived in this apartment (I was there for 3 years), my roommate was a guy named Dan. Dan, come to think of it, resembled Phil quite a bit. But that has nothing to do with the story. Anyway, while Dan and I lived together I NEVER saw Phil. I dealt exclusively with his wife, Kathy- who had fake blonde hair and faker big nails. Kathy tawked like dis, but she was very nice and I liked her a lot better than Phil, who somehow seemed to leave a residue wherever, he went. The only problem was she never got around to fixing our kitchen sink, which dripped constantly.
I came home from work one day and Dan was gone. His stuff was gone. Gone.
I needed a new roommate, so I asked my friend Tina. Tina is a stripper. Like Kathy, she's also a fake blonde, but she also has a body like Pamela Anderson (some of that is fake too). Once Tina moved in Phil became a MUCH better landlord. He knocked on the door all the time. "Hey, youse guys need anything?" He'd ask. "No thanks, " we'd reply. "But thanks for offering"
One day one of the pipes in our bathroom erupted and Phil was in his glory. Phil hung around the house all day for a week, ogling Tina as the plumber did his thing. "What's a pretty girl like you do for fun?, hed ask her. Tina replied by telling him that shed be really turned her on by having the kitchen sink fixed also. It was worth a shot. The kitchen sink was never fixed, though.
During this time I got to know my new friend Phil. Phil was impressed with me for three reasons: 1.) I lived with Tina 2.) I worked on The Sopranos and 3.) I lived with Tina. He told Tina once that I may WORK on the Sopranos, but he LIVED it. When Tina asked him to expand on this pregnant insinuation, Phil refused, hinting that divulging such information could cost them both their lives.
Then one day Kathy knocked on our door and said that she had kicked Phil out. He was gone and she had gotten a restraining order. If either of us saw Phil lurking around, we were to call Kathy or the police immediately.
A few weeks went by without incident. Then one Sunday night Tina and I got home after a night of mid-level drunken debauchery. Tina takes two muscle relaxers (don't ask) and I go to bed. After a few minutes I hear Tina calling from upstairs, saying "Chris you HAVE to come here and look at this!" I ran upstairs and she was looking out the front window at Kathy's car, which was sitting in the driveway ON FIRE!! And across the street, sitting on the hood of HIS car watching Kathy's car burn -is Phil. Kathy and the two teenage kids (Phil Jr. -of course- and Tiffany) are on the front lawn. Phil Jr. is screaming "You're a DICK!!!" at his father.
Now, this is about 1 AM. A crowd gathers at the top of the block. The fire dept. comes; the police come and question Phil. Tina, having taken TWO muscle relaxers - and by the way is NAKED-wants to go outside to watch. I say, "We can't go outside!! We'll be standing on the front lawn with them! That's too weird!"
She starts putting on her pajamas as she's running down the stairs and FALLS halfway down because of the muscle relaxers. I clearly have to follow. By the time I catch her, she's already on the front yard (fully clothed, at least) standing next to Kathy. Now this, I would think, would be an awkward landlord/tenant moment, but Tina takes the opportunity (I SWEAR) to ask Kathy if she can have someone look at the leaky kitchen sink!!!!! Kathy, who is watching the fire dept. put out her car and the police dept. question her husband, says, "This may not be a good time".
HERE'S the kicker- Phil moved back in about a week later!!! The moral of the story is that if you love someone- set their car on fire.
VIEW 21 of 21 COMMENTS
hethral:
Some things are just far too strange to be made up, that old saying truth is stranger than fiction is an old saying for good reason.
severus:
it's snowing! it's snowing! i'm home alone today, another column to write, i think it will be a crazy one this time. hope you are feeling good today baby.