So tomorrow I go to see the psychologist. He said that in order to determine whether or not I'm depressed he's going to have to ask me something like 200 questions. I hope he knows what he's in for because a.) I have no shame and will discuss the most embarassing details of my life and b.) I'm a foul mouth. Is it inappropriate to swear while you're at a shrink? Tony Soprano certainly seems to do it a lot.
I'm really scared, though. It's begun to dawn on me that if I AM deprssed (which I'm about 99% postivie I am) that this might not be something that I can fix and will be something that I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life. The one thing I'm determined about is to not take medication. I don't want to treat this, I want to get past it. I want it to go away. I don't want to be like my dad and have to pop zoloft or paxcil or whatever the hell it is that he has to take now. He has panic problems, you see. Ever since he left my mom and had a breakdown. I don't want to rely on some pill to make me better. I want to make myself better.
As I said before I hate that there might be something in my life that I won't have control over. It's why I'm an atheist. I refuse to accept that anyone other than myself has complete and total control over my life. Anything that happens in my life is because of me. My choices, my consequences. The buck stops here. Now who the hell knows what this guy is gonna tell me tomorrow.
Plus, I admit, I see it as a weakness. A chink in my armor, so to speak. I've spent enough of my life feeling weak and powerless and being picked on. I don't want to have such an obvious weak point as depression.
ALright, enough whining for one night. I'm gonna go get stoned and watch "Angel."
I'm really scared, though. It's begun to dawn on me that if I AM deprssed (which I'm about 99% postivie I am) that this might not be something that I can fix and will be something that I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life. The one thing I'm determined about is to not take medication. I don't want to treat this, I want to get past it. I want it to go away. I don't want to be like my dad and have to pop zoloft or paxcil or whatever the hell it is that he has to take now. He has panic problems, you see. Ever since he left my mom and had a breakdown. I don't want to rely on some pill to make me better. I want to make myself better.
As I said before I hate that there might be something in my life that I won't have control over. It's why I'm an atheist. I refuse to accept that anyone other than myself has complete and total control over my life. Anything that happens in my life is because of me. My choices, my consequences. The buck stops here. Now who the hell knows what this guy is gonna tell me tomorrow.
Plus, I admit, I see it as a weakness. A chink in my armor, so to speak. I've spent enough of my life feeling weak and powerless and being picked on. I don't want to have such an obvious weak point as depression.
ALright, enough whining for one night. I'm gonna go get stoned and watch "Angel."