avalon

RIP mom

1957-1990

Intangible Sanity

it is this cold and bleak december that
is too unassuming of its nature
this very month hold so many flaws
and rips apart every shred of me
so many scars that bleed new again
as if never covered
as if never felt before
this raw pain is so consuming
and ill mannered
no concious
no heart
no feelings
only the deep blank of a rotted life
i once knew
so young
so innocent
i tasted perfection and everything that rang true
a echo of airbrushed time
i felt a love that i will never ever feel again
and it is in her
the maiden that made me
with ribbons in her hair
and light in her heart
my guardian angel too early
i always said i never saw a ghost
but truth be told
every time i look in to the mirror
and see her face in mine
a reflection of someone i wish i knew
but will never
i am haunted and frozen to the bone
it amazes me how much this can still hurt me
and reduce me to merely a 10 year old child
left to face a world of chaos
on her own
and as i sit here shaking
i am still alone
i am still a child
i am still incomplete
i still long for the embrace i will never have
this pain still cuts so deep
and so unforgiving
the cold nights i still wake up weeping
lost in dreams of a mother
i can't forget
this night is still dead without her
this is the fundemental
this is the one that burns inside
the thing that makes me unsettled
reserved and tortured love
everything i have ruined has this scar i cannot hide
a terrored memory
too bloody to be real
but however long ago it happened
the scariest part is that its true
and it shadows every action i make
and every heart i break
and all the smiles i fake
the cold december knows what to do
upfront with it's intentions
until it is through
until january when you can start anew



I am sad but here is a picture of me and my kitty so that makes me a little happier