armsxlikexblades

*Warning* This post will not leave you with a warm fuzzy*

Do you remember your first crush? The first time you felt your heart jump up into your throat when you saw someone? The sweaty palms? The butterflies? The way they looked as you stared at them across the room?

Do you remember day dreaming about talking to them? About kissing them behind the portable classroom...or the fence at the far corner of school?

Do you remember her smile? Her name? How utterly perfect she was to you? Even in glasses...she was the hottest girl you ever knew. Untouchable. Do you remember how you used to carry the picture she gave you around until it's corners were worn away and it had a permanent fold in the middle? How you used to tell guys at summer camp that she was your girlfriend, knowing damned well they did'nt believe you.

Do you remember practicing what you'd say to her? How she used to talk to you and make you believe in yourself?
Do you remember wanting to tell her? Imagining telling her?

I do.

I remember it like it was yesterday. Most of the time...it's the only memory that I can clearly dig up from the 5th grade. The only one that reminds me of names, and faces, and places. It's the only one that is really VIVID. LIFELIKE. The only one I re-live.

I remember I made the mistake of telling Mark R. about my crush on Kiera. He had told me his the week before hoping I could do something to hook him up with Stephanie. He promised he would'nt say a word to Kiera...a promise I knew meant little too him, and I was sure he would break. But I did'nt care. If she knew, it could only be good...it could only set me free from the hell of being completely in (young) love. Besides, maybe she liked me too.

I remember her sitting at the lunch benches that morning waiting for the bell to ring and for school to start. She had always been part of the popular crew, one which I had recently been allowed to hang out with. Mark and Matt, the two most popular guys in school had somehow decided I was cool...at had slowly let me into their group. So for about three weeks I had been part of the popular group, tolerated by most only because Matt said I was alright.

That morning I sat on the opposite end of the bench from where Kiera sat. I had learned that fiegned indifference was always a good way to go in attracting women. If I barely noticed her...she might notice me.

As I sat there I watched Mark walk over, whisper in Kiera's ear and point towards me. She smiled and looked at me.

Mark then went around whispering in Matt and a couple other peoples ears.

I knew something was going down.

All I could do was be cool. Ride the moment.

"She knows you like her man, you should ask her out." Mark said...loud enough for everyone to hear.

Kiera looked up and smiled.

I did'nt say a thing.

"C'mon...look at her...she's waiting...ask her out." Matt snickered.

I sat there. I knew there was something wrong...I knew this was'nt right.

" Dude...don't be a fucking pussy...ask her out...she'll say yes. She already told me." Mark pushed harder.

It felt like this went on for an hour...but I'm sure it was barely 30 seconds. I felt naked...exposed...the freak on display. Everything I had dreamed about this girl since the third fucking grade was being pushed into this shitty moment. All the dreams I had about telling her how I felt were completely gone...replaced by this.

She did'nt say anything. SHe did'nt laugh. She was'nt nervous. She simply looked me in the eyes...and kept smiling. It was comforting.

By this time everyone was watching this stupid scene go down. The popular kids..the ones who wanted to be near the popular kids...and some people just out of ear shot that wanted to see this thing going down. I think the kids who had just got off the bus happened to be walking by at the time too and some stopped to watch. I felt like the entire world was focused on me.

Matt looked at me and laughed. "C'mon pussy!"

I shot him a glare and I began to burn.

Kiera turned her body towards me...smiled and nodded. The nod was all I needed. Hope betrayed the wariness I had about these guys and about this manufactured moment.

"Will you go out with me?" I finally croaked...caught between the pressure of my own aching heart and the scenario that was playing out before me.

I never had a choice. I never had a chance.

I'll never forget how she got up, put her bag down, walked over to me, put her hands on my knees as I sat there, looked me straight in the eyes, laughed and said....
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"Fuck you."



Never.

Yeah...I know... tragic fucking story.