anonmymouse

Cobnuts are in season, August = cobnuts in the greengrocers. And cobnuts are delishus. And cobnuts for me are nostalgic - Summer holiday in Wales as an early junior school aged kid, hot August evening going on a lovely and very long evening walk with my mother, as we did, up to Maesyronnen chapel where many a cobnut grow and fall, and I've loved cobnuts ever since, and my Welsh grandfather loved them too cobnuts have a special place in my heart - they remind me of... my heart, what with these nice Wales and family associations.

These ones in the photo are eaten... they're cobnut shells and leaves. I actually wanted to draw these pretty, pretty things before I gobbled them up.

I've been crazy emotional since yesterday evening. I never cry, not for the last 2 years I've hardly cried. Yesterday I cried like it was the first time in a long time and like it was so true, and painful. I was crying because I miss my mother and I'm still coming to terms with her death. I've been told the grieving period is 2 years, so I have another eight and a half months until I can be more normal. I was having serious mental health difficulties in the months leading up to the diagnosis of my mothers terminal illness, and even in the two and a half years leading up to the diagnosis of her terminal illness, but after her death something happened to me... I coped, I suppose. I'll say I coped.

Here's a photo of me last summer, just posing by my cds like a cd lord, ha.

and another one. I was having fun
Yeah, I wasn't feeling a lot of grief then but I was having bad psychosis. I had little contact with my sisters and best friend for a couple of months because of my delusions. I was hiding away and just letting my crazy brain get on with itself while I smoked nice hash (gulp... don't tell the mental health professionals because that shit supposedly exacerbates (or causes according to some drongos) some mental health problems but my great nana always used to say "a little of what you fancy does you good" ) and listened to music. I was so loving Neil Young's Americana at that point. I would nearly cut the letters N-E-I-L-Y-O-U-N-G into my chest by the way, haha, he's one of my favourite people for the sweet ass music he makes.
Anyway it's good to cry but I've felt really soft and painful for the last 24 hours. I went to stay the night at my Godmother's house last night. Called her up crying and she said "You just get yourself over here" so I did, and she had made me some dinner and I spent a cosy hour or two chatting with her before I fell asleep on the sofa. I woke up at 5.30am and wrote in my journal and cried and read my book. I had coffee with her in the morning and then she made us some breakfast and I stayed 'til midday then came home, but I've been feeling a little shaky and sad and painful still. It was good to see her daughters, my Godsisters, they're teenagers - one about to turn 16 and the other gonna turn 18 soon. Reminding me of when I was that age and making me feel all nostalgic for the old days, actually I was already feeling that way earlier on, the old days before I lost a few loved ones and when I was a different me and went to school a bit and had spliffs and booze and fun with my friends like cutesy adorable teenagers who loved rock and metal music and lots and lots of other things, and loved life. Good memories.... painful feelings though, nostalgia really gets me.

I think I'm gonna leave this blog here because my brain is all scattered and I'd rather write a good blog and I feel like I'm writing a silly train of thought blog, but it's good to get a bit out. So I'll just leave it with one more photo from last summer, a photo of me which I've decided I really like.


I feel really full in my heart and it's poignantly painful as well as glorious.

Oh, and my beloved (<3<3<3) Dennis


And me yesterday, with my hair growing back from shaved.


Peace and love and hearts.