angelwithsw

feel so numb, i want to pour my heart out but it feels empty. It only dawned on me today that ive had an eating disorder all my life, just never looked at it that way. I never used to eat normal portions would constantly snack, but it wasnt until i was like 8 that things got bad i just ate all day long and stopped going to play and stuff. from one extreme to another. its only 12 o clock but so far ive had no calories at all. Been up since about 7 and for me not to have eaten anything is good. Especially when my mum made toast. I love the smell of toast, usually it makes me hungry but today it didnt. Then i spent half hour pottering around the kitchen making myself some jelly. Yesterday in morrisons they were offering sugar free jelly buy one get one free, so i got four packets. Its 8 calories a serving and a packet makes 4 servings. so even if i scoffed the whole bloody thing it wouldnt do too much harm.

Im rambling on about bloody jelly when the jelly doesnt even matter, the things that matter i cant even seem to find. i havent been this depressed in a long time. last night i felt very mean, i went to bed and was fast asleep before rob even joined me. We slept under seperate duvets because i was cold and felt so numb. I wanted him there but i wanted to be alone.

there are so many people in this world that care about me and i havent got a bloody clue why, im so selfish all the time! I'm sat here feeling sorry for myself instead of doing something useful. I have so much to do but im not gonna move i just dont want to do anything. My head is really pounding.

Everytime i look at my arms i just wanna pick up a blade and make some more bloody mess. I dont care if it scars, i dont care if its gonna deform me for life. I just dont care anymore!