Still on the mend from a couple years of pure ass-fuckery, I'm not always sure what I want at present, let alone down the line a ways. That could be attributed to many different facets of life, but of particular concern is being with my girlfriend. She's great in so many ways, not so great in others, I've taken to creating a Pros and Cons list of staying with her. It might be an indication that things are already doomed to fail, but I'm not sure if it's my own inner turmoil or genuine concerns creating this dilemma.
Raised in a religious farming community by overbearing parents, she had a sheltered upbringing. Though she isn't judgmental at all, she's inexperienced and not likely to take any initiative without prompts - repeated prompts. Just trying to get her to try new things, I feel as though I'm trying to change her rather than help her grow, as if she's meant to be a passive and mundane individual. I'm careful with her, communicative with her, patient with her, I try my hardest to ensure that her voice is heard, that I know her thoughts and can act upon them. Under duress she's expressed minor concerns in my behavior; trivial things like forgetting to make a bed or leaving something out. I've invited her - and have even argued with her - to speak her mind to anyone, not just me.
She's passive agressive, which isn't healthy in a relationship. Might stem from her parents or general upbringing, but she has no confidence regarding speaking up in defense of herself or her life. Closing in on three decades of life, she has yet to confess to her parents that she has a tattoo. Not that it's any of their business, but it (just outlining then) was discovered by her mother and she bold-face lied to her mother, claiming it was henna ink. Her longtime friends have even given her shit for it, expressing that she shouldn't have lied and - almost in my words spoken to her - her inability to 'fess up is not just a lack of maturity, it's a lack of respect for herself and her parents.
*sigh*
Might be wondering why I said "sexual urges" above; amidst one of our play time the other day, I found myself almost losing patience during a fuckin' blow job. I've felt shitty to call her out, but it's also making me wonder if my own sexual ability is not up to par. Am I just a horrible teacher or can she really not learn? We've had communication regarding sexual enjoyment, me expressing to her that I want her to think I'm the fuckin' bomb, and if there's anything I could better, I'd like to know. I have no doubt in my mind (overconfident, maybe?) that she's having great damn times, but I've never received a suggestion from her, nor does she seem to read into sexual cues in the middle of the goddamn tryst.
In terms of sexual intercourse, I'm not unsatisfied, but I found myself the other day thinking, "I just want her to suck me dry and leave me feeling I can't possibly ever cum that much again."
What a fuckin' conundrum! I'm not going to seek joy in the arms of another, at least not while still committed to her, but too often have I found myself thinking of past lovers and women with whom I'd like to get down.
