alexsandria

I grew up with my very unsteady, very crazy mother. I have always taken care of myself. This includes feeding myself most nights, and taking myself to the bus stop in the morning (I had an alarm clock in the 1st grade). I would have dreams of my father coming to rescue me through my window like some kind of fairy tale. I was a daddy's girl all the way, and loved every second of my limited time with him. One day he finally came to my rescue.
I was about 10 years old when I moved in with him. Unfortunately around that time he got caught up with a woman with two children and pressured into getting married and taking care of her kids. This woman was extremely jealous of my relationship with my father and proceeded to ruin it. She succeeded too.
She had my father's baby and cemented the lifestyle she had created for herself. My father has even told me straight out that the only reason he didn't divorce her a long time ago was because he knew she'd take everything including his only son. Over the years my father quickly became a very different person from the father I knew before. I could tell you a thousand stories of how my father chose his wife over his daughter over and over, but the point of the story was that I quickly ended up feeling like an unwanted prisoner in my home from the age of 10 until the day I ran away shortly after my 18th b-day and didn't even speak to my father for nearly a year.
Having said all this, there was one time of the year where I did not feel unwanted, or like I was a thorn in the side of an otherwise happy family. This time was Christmas.
Christmas has always been spent with my father's side of the family. I LOVE THESE PEOPLE! I feel super close to all of them and I know without a doubt that they love me. Every Christmas was spent with Granny and Grandaddy, Aunt Pam and Uncle Mike, Josh, and Amy and Lauren and Jason. Every Christmas eve Granny, Aunt Pam, Amy and I prepare Christmas dinner together and catch up. This tradition means the world to me. That night we all go to evening service at a Presbyterian church of Granny's choice (after all these years she still isn't happy with any of them, so we always end up at a different one). During the service my cousin Josh and I have always passed notes back and forth. I have the last three years in my journal. This is also very important to me. But the most important part of Christmas is the morning when we all open presents together and Grandaddy passes them out from under the tree one at a time.
My point is simply that this time of year was very important to me because it was the one time of year where I really felt I had a family. I wasn't the odd one out. I wasn't the ugly spot ruining the picture of a perfect family.

This year Christmas is not happening for me. Aunt Pam and Uncle Mike are getting divorced and instead of being home for Christmas, Aunt Pam is going to North Carolina to be with Amy. This means Pam, Mike, Amy, Jason and Lauren will not be around. And Josh has also decided to go to NC. This leaves Granny and Grandaddy. So naturally, as I predicted would happen, my step mother is taking over. Her parents (who hate me and have always made that clear) will be eating dinner with us, and she is cooking.
This all may seem like no big deal to all of you, but to me its disastrous. It feels like I'm in a nightmare. So instead of putting myself through such a thing as to watch my favorite time of year crushed in front of me, I'm simply not going home. I'm going to do my best to pretend that Christmas doesn't exist this year.