aksiokersa

I get so frustrated with this journal.

The point, at the beginning, was to help me get in touch with myself and to prove to myself that my raw thoughts and feelings wouldn't alienate me from people. I have proved that - I've met a few great folks who check in and seek out my friendship no matter what I write here.

But now that I'm connected to people who read this, I feel like I need to be really explicit about what I'm doing here and why I say the things I do.

While a couple of entries in this journal have been for or about someone in particular, a lot of what I write here is....more about hearing myself say something than actually communicating. Sometimes I need to say things because just having the words out there is enough to quell some fear or desire. Sometimes I say things that don't actually apply to my current situation, but are what I wish I had said in moments past. Sometimes I say things that might be triggered by one person, but actually apply to someone else, or to a group of people that share the same space in my heart. I am very conscious of these shifting motives as I write. It feels good to have a space where I can clean out old wounds and know that I won't be poisoning the future.

So I guess I just wanted y'all to know that if you think you've seen yourself here, or if you think I've really been talking to you in particular in one entry, it's best that you check with me before you draw any conclusions. I've been working through some pretty complex stuff in the past couple of years and what I say here might not always be as unambiguous as you think.
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One thing I can be totally unambiguous about right now is that I'm definitely and completely most totally off the market.

I'm dating a guy I've had a huge crush on for about a year. It's good ♥ ♥