Truly, very thought provoking dialogue you've got going on there. although i'd like to, i'm not going to respond in the way that i hate. "i soo feel that way", because yeah, sure i do, but then again, you just need to keep on trying. the darkness will lift eventually, but don't let it consume you.
friends and relationships are what make us, interaction. i'd hate to admit it, but you pretty much nailed what most people want out of life.
take this however you deem nessicary(sp?). have fun, and feel better about everything.
Thanks for sharing your experiances. Everyone's advice has really meant alot to me.
You're journal entry sounds like me, half the time. This might sound bad, but sometimes getting out of a depression is an act of will. You make yourself go through the motions of a happy, productive life, until, slowely, awkwardly, they start to feel right.
on the upside you arent using lyrics to express yourself which is sadly rare... also maybe we are social animals but thats only because we were designed to procreate like any living organism... that way sounds even more depressing so its not so much what keeps us alive...its what we think feel or do is right... there is no standard... no set wrong or right even... no good no evil... its all bias... so to think something is wrong with you wouldnt be thinking from your own perspective it would seem... if you feel reclusive then be reclusive... you dont HAVE to be social just do what feels good... i mean restraint and discipline is good but that could just be my opinion... gah there is too much to say my post will be longer than your entry... anyhow youre still young like me itll all come together... you usually never see these things coming
i think it's sad in this day and age (where communication is so readily available), that there's a strong percentage of people that feel closely to what you feel. however, knowing that we feel this way doesn't connect us the way we had hoped, and we spiral further downward into ourselves and our apathy/disgust/etc.... there is no solution to what you're going through. if being around others isn't something that comes naturally to you, why bother?, even if that is how humans define themselves. why force yourself to do something that you have difficulty in finding motivation outside of an existential context? people and relationships will always fail you. that's the nature of life. our only saving grace is to find the one force in our lives that has any meaning at all. until you can find out what that is, you will always be unfulfilled. it could be as simple as getting high, eating doritos and playing GTA, or it could be as complex as becoming president. no one can tell you what you need out of your life. but i do believe, that nothing can affect you once you know what you want and either you have it, or you're working towards it...
good luck...
just another rant from a random voice in the maelstrom...
you ARE smarter than this. and you seem to have yourself pulled together enough to articulate your dissatisfaction... so that sets you apart from all the other people who don't even realize how suffocating their lives become.
ps... you're always welcome to interact with me... wink wink.. nudge nudge...
seriously though.. i hope you start to feel better soon!
key school maybe? if so, i agree with your assessment but, you seem to be implying that they have a monopoly on "boring and socially retarded" . My experience has been that, for the most part, people are no more or less boring or socially inept anywhere that you may go. you just try to gravitate towards the exceptions and avoid the rules.
as for your depression... clinical depression doesn't get better or go away as a result of cold self analysis. getting pissed off at yourself will just aggravate not alleviate. if you think you need someone to talk to and you don't have a friend you feel confident turning to why not investigate free counseling ... there are any number of options. apart from that, one of the most consistently effective treatments for depression is routine... get up at the same time, go to bed at the same time, keep your days filled until you start to feel like you've got a grip on it
as far as making friends is concerned I'm the last person to give advice on that topic... depression i've experienced... winning friends, not so much
Ada, it's hard to say anything that doesn't sound trite, or patronizing - or both. But I know well the place you speak of: I have been there, and I have come back. Can I offer this?
I don't know why you "choose to define [your] life by something that [you] FAIL at". Perhaps it has just become habitual. I have known many people who hold on to their hurt, for no other reason than that it's what they're holding on to. They fear to let go, because they fear to fall - when in fact they will soar. But I would ask, why do you define failure as that which you live? Why do you deny the value of your social responses while projecting a notional ideal ("having a dialogue and socializing and INTERACTING") on to those around you?
So: you are "just-fucking-sitting-there-girl"? Be it, and don't try to be anything else. Relationship - true relationship - comes as a side-effect of being - really being. As soon as you deprecate your true being - by labelling it 'failure' - you put on a mask, through which intimacy becomes impossible. As Osho says of this, 'So who is relating to whom? There is nobody! Just two shadows playing a game. [...] Your so-called love is nothing but an enmity, a polite way of fighting, struggling, nagging, dominating, a civilized way of torturing one another.'
Change is always possible, but we have to start where we are. As a gentle teacher once said to me, 'Recognise the difference between what you are attaining right now; what you are capable of attaining; and what you are capable of attaining right now.' Being shy isn't a fault - many of us have had isolated upbringings: we struggle with the cut-and-thrust of the peer group; but we find our connection in the one-to-one moments, through acts of kindness, or the written word. True friends value us for that; they reach out to us and draw us in. But we have to value ourselves for it first.
--
Wow. At the risk of sounding trite, I understand what you're talking about perfectly. What's ironic is that the people who are "smart enough" or "self-aware" spend so much time pondering and wallowing in angst, all to come to the same conclusions that other people do intuitively.
There is a paradox in people wanting to establish themselves as individuals (leading many of us to angsty isolationist practices) yet having a very fundamental need for companionship, love, and through those things, validation of that individuality.
While there are countless mopey fuckers out there whining in their online journals, I think that this kind of angst and self-scrutiny has some merit. Even if we end up coming full circle to the realization that it is all about human interaction, and not so much distinguishing ourselves from the masses, we then understand this concretely, rather than abstractly, as do those who skip or spend very little time in the angst period. I think this enables us to appreciate our interactions with others more; it makes our connections deeper, since they are processed both rationally and emotionally. So, I don't think you should scorn your introspection.
As for thinking you could benefit from psychotherapy, I'm sure you're right. I wouldn't say that I have any major psychological problems, and yet I see a therapist. I actually think that it's something anyone could benefit from, as at the very least it gives us a sounding board for our innermost concerns.
If it means anything, I think you're awesome for even comtemplating these things. It's cool to encounter someone you can relate to - which brings it back to what you said; it is all about human interaction.
not much to say...other than the usual shit...i know where you are...i've been there...i am there.
as much as i hate people saying this to me...one thing i've found...if your not yourself you will not attract people you want to be around or that understand you. you change to someone who you are not...you attract fuckers and they just pull you down to the lower depths of hell. stay just the way you are...there are others out there just like you, same opinions, thoughts, feelings...it is just a matter of crossing paths at the same time.
Yeah, it's kinda hard to get outta the house and do stuff if there's nothing you really feel compelled to do. Would wonder if you're defining yourself in a hole by making "human interaction" the end and be all though? Yeah that's a big thing, but some guy much smarter than me once remarked that all the people who've accomplished anything with their wits have been lonely, at least at one point or another. Perhaps this is that time for you? To add and possibly contradict that, keep in mind that interaction isn't necessarily "immediate," on the spot, BAM!!!! here you are communication. It takes time sometimes. Quite often really.
To wrap it up, Imo keep working on your art and find something that would make you want to get out of the house, if you agree w/ yr dad that you should. In any case, I reckon yr getting a lot of good advice from others, like livingdead. Be yourself, the rest will fall into place. Yeah, it's a pain to wait for, but better than living in bad faith.
Chin up, k?
Now your dad while a well meaning guy is not trained to know when a person needs therapy. He sounds like one of those guys that thinks giong to therapy is a sign of weaknes...when it fact it is a sign of strength. It means you had admitted to yourself that you have a problem (in this case depression) and you want help. As ex-military I had the same thoughts as your dad until I sucked it up and went to a shrink. I have to say...things are much better. Still depressed at times but at least I can get the fuck out of the house...even ride my bike (motorcycle) when its cold just for the thrill or head Sarah and Desmonds in EC just to watch the people.
Dunno your situation but therapy is a good idea. Barring that, keep up the art, go for walks and on occasion...talk to someone.
Thoughtful.
Intelligent.
Insightful.
Focused.
Good writing, coupled with a deep sense of where you are emotionally/psychologically.
You didn't actually ask for help, or even opinions - your questions were, of course, rhetorical - but here' my idea:
- you're an introvert. I recommend you read Party of One: The Loners' Manifesto -- by Anneli S. Rufus.
- your statement, "human interaction is what life is all about" is absolutely true. On the other hand, human interaction is messy, human interaction is (at least potentially) painful. The state of being connected implies that disconnection is always a possibility.
- depression is a bitch. Please feel free to accept the fact that your Dad, for all his other good qualities, is clueless about depression. Meds, combined with a good therapist, will eventual get you to a place where the lethargy, numbness, and fear will lighten, allowing you to think more clearly, see things in a more hopeful light. Been there. Live there, actually: after my last, uh, adventure, I came to the conlusion that I'll spend the rest my life on meds.
Whatever.
- friends - frivolous, silly, chatty, shallow, "let's all go out for a beer" friends - are seriously over-rated. If you have one person to share things with, to connect with, to talk to, to open your deepest self to, you are blessed. Very few experience that. Most of what passes for "friendship" wouldn't likely work for you, anyway; you're hungry for something deeper.
I have had some of the feelings you are talking about, especially the avoidance (of my family for no good reason other than they make me nervous), depression, etc... I use(d) drugs to avoid dealing. This is definitely not the best nor most advisable option. I have friends but dislike many of them. Many of them seem soulless sometimes. My girlfriend has issues similar to the ones you shared, not having close friends, general lack of motivation. I have learned to demand very little from friends other than a little "help" every once in a while, a sympathetic ear now and again, and a sense of humour always.
Creating will help you out of this: paint, sculpt, write, cook, draw, sing, dance, whatever. Use creation as a basis to find new friends. Your intuition will lead you to great people. You may feel a bit competative with them at first. My best friends are my business partner and two friends that I am in a band with. Give friendship time to develop. However, true (read this word for all connotations) friends are rare finds.
It gets better as you get older and lose a lot of the selfconciousness that lingers from youth. Especially when you have others to worry about who are as dear to you as yourself (children, lover/soulmate, dog). Focus begins to shift from yourself to those around you that you love. You cannot get this from your parents because you are the object of there love. It has to come from loving and supporting those who need it. When that begins to take up your time you will not have much time to self obsess.
Apologies for horrid spelling but I can't be fucking bothered with that.
will happen to you!
friends and relationships are what make us, interaction. i'd hate to admit it, but you pretty much nailed what most people want out of life.
take this however you deem nessicary(sp?). have fun, and feel better about everything.
humbly yours...