Galactic Greeting Terrans,
In todays' turd filled Ganges River episode I present strange and possibly true facts,there maybe bullshit, true and dodgy history in one sitting. Have fun work out whats what and let me know in your comments:
1.In the face of a runaway explosion of genetic engineering from rogue scientists in undisclosed locations working on clandestine military contracts for questionable foreign powers, the Howard government in the Australian 2002 budget made an allowance of 200 miliion dollars for an anti-gigantic Godzilla-like terrifying hostile life form military contingency called the 'Colossal Life-form Intelligence and Tactical Organisational Response In Sercret' bill. Unfortunately the acronym was 'CLITORIS' and it was defeated in the lower house in favour of Danish pastries and cappuccinos being available in the foyer during parliament recess.
2. Before Schrodinger came out with the black cat in a box thought experiment he had released the Schrodingers Hedgehog experiment. Problematic to the extreme, it led to a barrage of questions and comments from hedgehog fanciers on both sides of science. Which hedgehog breed are you referring to? I certainly hope it wasnt a European Hedgehog, theyre illegal to keep as pets or to confine to theoretical boxes with life extinguishing devices. How do you get a hedgehog into a confined area, do you use gloves? I like hedgehogs cant you use another less loved animal? How about a ferret?
3.Beatrix Potter was an accomplished scientist in the field of Mycology, the study of fungi. She released a paper in 1897 entitled Germination of the Spores of Agraricinae . Due entirely to the fact that she had female sexual organs her paper didnt get published. Despite her protests the powers that be at the time, all sporting a penis of varying lengths and girths decided to scorn her rather than judge her work on its scientific merit. Wounded and rightfully disgusted by the perfidy of her peers, in 1901 she penned and illustrated a story entitled the Tale of Peter Rabbit. An impossible tale of anthropomorphised animals sporting waistcoats and wearing shawls and acting like people.
4.The early US space program owes it success to Hitler. In operation Paperclip the US was in a war of acquisition for Nazi scientists (think Dr Strangelove) against the Soviets who had the same idea. The success of Sputnik was later accredited to the mail correspondence between Nazi scientists in the US and their counterparts in the USSR, who not being treated as normal commies didnt have to line up for shit. An early rocket fuck up saw a rocket crash and explode in Mexico City, it inadvertently uncovered an Aztec monument.
5.Fanta that fun in the sun orange drink associated with carefree days spent at the Laughter Land Leisure Lido was actually made by a morally ambivalent soft drink manufacturer who was banned from supplying the Nazis with cool refreshing Coca Cola during WWII.
6.The Santa Claus myth was based on a little known saint called Basil of Caesarea.
7.In ancient Greece the Olympics were held in honour of Nike, the god of victory, efficiently made comfortable sporting footwear and apparel. According to tradition, Greek youngsters in the service of Nike spent their days making footwear which was later sold abroad. It was this very footwear which sparked the Peloponnesian war between the Delian League led by Athens and the Peloponnesian League led by Sparta. The main obstacle being over sports footwear tarrifs which they felt was hurting Spartan sales in uncomfortable but functional shoes throughout the Mediterranean.
8.Martin Luther is possibly the only person who actually the read the bible in the whole Holy Roman Empire back in the 1500s. His 95 Theses in 1517 rocked the establishment. The Roman Catholic Church, angered at his audacity had to read through the whole New Testament in Latin for the first time since the New Testament was accepted at the Third Council of Carthage in 397. This led to much anger as no references were found indicating torture, indulgences and generally being fat fucking money grabbing, whoring, worthless pricks for Jesus was ordained from 'On High'. The Catholic Church ever eager to change for the better decided that annihilating the Pro-Testament movement through force of arms was the best course of action. They based this on the lost scripture of St Fatprick of Romes letters to the opulent religious fucks, which stated that Jesus as he gasped his last breath uttered, Please make sure you politicise religion for centuries to come. You can say and do whatever shit you like. Im down with it. By the way if a guy called Hitler starts WWII a millennium from now, make sure the Pope sanctions his actions. Later Skater.
9.The Wright Brothers attempt at flight on the Kitty Hawk was slandered by detractors as the Shitty Hawk
10.Groucho Marxs last words were: Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!
11.The modern vibrator, often given a name but always battery powered was invented by doctors. In the Victorian era, Female Hysteria as it was called, was cured by your local GP coming round and getting your misses off by fingerbanging her. Hey presto, your Missus is calm, experiencing a delightful lingering tingling in her nethers having cum from methods hitherto unexplored by hubby and his insistence on the missionary position and the missus lying back and praying to Jesus for offspring. In the era of stupid corsets and incredibly dull novels about women living in large homesteads, female hysteria was rife. Doctors developed hand cramps after a full day of getting ladies off and prescribing opium based calmatives. Hence the vibrator was born, quick easy and just as satisfying, I mean calming.
12.Speaking of turn of century cure-alls, ELECTRICTY! Before the days of bothersome product resaerch and cures that were actually tested before they were brought to market, men suffered impotence, just like they do today. Not like me though Im a fucking DYNAMO! Fuck the blue Viagra pills, I will get Star Trek on your delightful pert ladyparts and fuck you like no other one has before you! Ahem, anywho, back in the days which Ive described before I got all cocky (and not without reason! OK Im settling down now so I can tell the story) Men were treated for erectile dysfunction by getting their junk electrocuted. A big seller was a belt, haha a fucking belt! Youd put this pain maker around your waist, pop your John Thomas into the cod piece and hey presto! After the vomiting and crippling pain, youre ready to go over and insert your electrocuted and slightly smouldering todger into your missus insisting on missionary position while she prays to Jesus for offspring and reminds herself she has a bout of uncontrollable hysteria due later that afternoon.
Anywho, I had lots of fun writing this so for the um, 2 maybe um, well 2 people who read my blog, thankyou!
Untill next time, remember running with scissors is fun, wait, I had something for this, a cautionary tale, no, yes, I stand by my comment, running with scissors is fun.
In todays' turd filled Ganges River episode I present strange and possibly true facts,there maybe bullshit, true and dodgy history in one sitting. Have fun work out whats what and let me know in your comments:
1.In the face of a runaway explosion of genetic engineering from rogue scientists in undisclosed locations working on clandestine military contracts for questionable foreign powers, the Howard government in the Australian 2002 budget made an allowance of 200 miliion dollars for an anti-gigantic Godzilla-like terrifying hostile life form military contingency called the 'Colossal Life-form Intelligence and Tactical Organisational Response In Sercret' bill. Unfortunately the acronym was 'CLITORIS' and it was defeated in the lower house in favour of Danish pastries and cappuccinos being available in the foyer during parliament recess.
2. Before Schrodinger came out with the black cat in a box thought experiment he had released the Schrodingers Hedgehog experiment. Problematic to the extreme, it led to a barrage of questions and comments from hedgehog fanciers on both sides of science. Which hedgehog breed are you referring to? I certainly hope it wasnt a European Hedgehog, theyre illegal to keep as pets or to confine to theoretical boxes with life extinguishing devices. How do you get a hedgehog into a confined area, do you use gloves? I like hedgehogs cant you use another less loved animal? How about a ferret?
3.Beatrix Potter was an accomplished scientist in the field of Mycology, the study of fungi. She released a paper in 1897 entitled Germination of the Spores of Agraricinae . Due entirely to the fact that she had female sexual organs her paper didnt get published. Despite her protests the powers that be at the time, all sporting a penis of varying lengths and girths decided to scorn her rather than judge her work on its scientific merit. Wounded and rightfully disgusted by the perfidy of her peers, in 1901 she penned and illustrated a story entitled the Tale of Peter Rabbit. An impossible tale of anthropomorphised animals sporting waistcoats and wearing shawls and acting like people.
4.The early US space program owes it success to Hitler. In operation Paperclip the US was in a war of acquisition for Nazi scientists (think Dr Strangelove) against the Soviets who had the same idea. The success of Sputnik was later accredited to the mail correspondence between Nazi scientists in the US and their counterparts in the USSR, who not being treated as normal commies didnt have to line up for shit. An early rocket fuck up saw a rocket crash and explode in Mexico City, it inadvertently uncovered an Aztec monument.
5.Fanta that fun in the sun orange drink associated with carefree days spent at the Laughter Land Leisure Lido was actually made by a morally ambivalent soft drink manufacturer who was banned from supplying the Nazis with cool refreshing Coca Cola during WWII.
6.The Santa Claus myth was based on a little known saint called Basil of Caesarea.
7.In ancient Greece the Olympics were held in honour of Nike, the god of victory, efficiently made comfortable sporting footwear and apparel. According to tradition, Greek youngsters in the service of Nike spent their days making footwear which was later sold abroad. It was this very footwear which sparked the Peloponnesian war between the Delian League led by Athens and the Peloponnesian League led by Sparta. The main obstacle being over sports footwear tarrifs which they felt was hurting Spartan sales in uncomfortable but functional shoes throughout the Mediterranean.
8.Martin Luther is possibly the only person who actually the read the bible in the whole Holy Roman Empire back in the 1500s. His 95 Theses in 1517 rocked the establishment. The Roman Catholic Church, angered at his audacity had to read through the whole New Testament in Latin for the first time since the New Testament was accepted at the Third Council of Carthage in 397. This led to much anger as no references were found indicating torture, indulgences and generally being fat fucking money grabbing, whoring, worthless pricks for Jesus was ordained from 'On High'. The Catholic Church ever eager to change for the better decided that annihilating the Pro-Testament movement through force of arms was the best course of action. They based this on the lost scripture of St Fatprick of Romes letters to the opulent religious fucks, which stated that Jesus as he gasped his last breath uttered, Please make sure you politicise religion for centuries to come. You can say and do whatever shit you like. Im down with it. By the way if a guy called Hitler starts WWII a millennium from now, make sure the Pope sanctions his actions. Later Skater.
9.The Wright Brothers attempt at flight on the Kitty Hawk was slandered by detractors as the Shitty Hawk
10.Groucho Marxs last words were: Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!
11.The modern vibrator, often given a name but always battery powered was invented by doctors. In the Victorian era, Female Hysteria as it was called, was cured by your local GP coming round and getting your misses off by fingerbanging her. Hey presto, your Missus is calm, experiencing a delightful lingering tingling in her nethers having cum from methods hitherto unexplored by hubby and his insistence on the missionary position and the missus lying back and praying to Jesus for offspring. In the era of stupid corsets and incredibly dull novels about women living in large homesteads, female hysteria was rife. Doctors developed hand cramps after a full day of getting ladies off and prescribing opium based calmatives. Hence the vibrator was born, quick easy and just as satisfying, I mean calming.
12.Speaking of turn of century cure-alls, ELECTRICTY! Before the days of bothersome product resaerch and cures that were actually tested before they were brought to market, men suffered impotence, just like they do today. Not like me though Im a fucking DYNAMO! Fuck the blue Viagra pills, I will get Star Trek on your delightful pert ladyparts and fuck you like no other one has before you! Ahem, anywho, back in the days which Ive described before I got all cocky (and not without reason! OK Im settling down now so I can tell the story) Men were treated for erectile dysfunction by getting their junk electrocuted. A big seller was a belt, haha a fucking belt! Youd put this pain maker around your waist, pop your John Thomas into the cod piece and hey presto! After the vomiting and crippling pain, youre ready to go over and insert your electrocuted and slightly smouldering todger into your missus insisting on missionary position while she prays to Jesus for offspring and reminds herself she has a bout of uncontrollable hysteria due later that afternoon.
Anywho, I had lots of fun writing this so for the um, 2 maybe um, well 2 people who read my blog, thankyou!
Untill next time, remember running with scissors is fun, wait, I had something for this, a cautionary tale, no, yes, I stand by my comment, running with scissors is fun.