Penned In Pushed Out
"And, to what do I owe the honors of another chat with myself."
"Why, it's better than surfing the monotony of technology."
Out on the road today, traffic jammed up like red meat in the bowels, and all I want to do is wash a blanket. "How hard can this be?" you might ask. Ha! You have to have a very large machine called 'The Big Bertha' to wash a blanket this fluffy and big. Yes, that's right. It was called 'Big Bertha.' I called around for a while to different laundry places and none of them had the facilities to accommodate my blanket. When I finally found one that could- well..... It was a bit of a drive. A jaunty trip through the streets of Florida on a Monday afternoon.
Florida has some of the worst drivers I have ever seen, and I have driven all over most of the U.S and Canada.
So, as I leisurely drove, just above the speed limit down a packed street, minding my own business, paying my own mind some WHORE BAG BITCH (er..hum.. a lady in a black car) decided she needed to skid to a stop behind me and nearly rear end my vehicle. Holding my breath, the light turned green, and I took off. To my deepest regret the Whore Bag decided to tailgate me. It wasn't enough that she'd already nearly hit me, she had to tail gate me to. So, what do I do? Oh, why I just slow on down to 20 miles an hour on a packed surface street until the woman is spitting angry behind me and trying to get around me.
She deserved it, and everyone else had the simple idea to go around. Really, it is that simple. That's why there are multiple lanes. Finally, she hauls her ass around my car and takes a moment to give me the bird as she goes, and I notice as her fat finger in the air that she's also eating and talking on the phone. Of course she is.
I speed up to the speed limit and off I go down the road, everyone is content and life goes one. The traffic thins when I near my house because I live outside of town. There is no one behind me, but lookie here... the Whore Bag is stopped at the red light right next to me. Oh goodie!
Yes, I am a cunt.
I speed up, get in front of her and sloooooowwwwww down. Wee! Now we are having a good time. Go on fatty, feed your face, talk on your phone, and figure out how you're going to get down the road faster than 30mph.
Why 30 you ask? Because she had just been tailgating a delivery truck who seemed to be pretty angry with her as well. So, he slows down, I get over in the other lane, slow down, and she is stuck, stuck, stuck, behind us. Don't worry all you naysayers out there: there wasn't any other traffic behind us getting trapped. Just her. This lasted a couple of miles. Then I had to turn off to go home.
I left her with a salute involving my longest finger and a big smile. Yep, I am that asshole.
Home again and I have a clean blanket, washed in Big Bertha, crisp and clean. I play with the dogs a while, eat some Thai food, and then there is always more work to be done. I mow the back lawn in the dark. Yes, in the dark. It is much to hot in this wretched town to be doing anything in the daytime here, especially mowing the lawn when all you have is a crappy push power (not self propelled) on its last leg and an acre of yard.
Shower, laundry, a movie (Old Dogs with Robin Williams and John Travolta), and now it is two in the morning and I should be in bed.
Questions, Comments
1. For ten points, where did I grow up?
2. For ten points, What college did I go to, and did I graduate?
Upcoming Shows
This Saturday at Revolution Nightclub in Orland with the Les Vixens. I'll be there all night, come and see me, smile, and have a good time.
The 19th at Tru Lounge in Clearwater FL with Frankie J. Markstone and special guests. Singing, dancing, impersonations.... A grand event.
The 6th at Cold Keg Nightclub in Melbourne FL with the VaudeVillains Burlesque. A night of spooky entrainment, Smoke and Mirrors.
You won't want to miss any of these great shows. If you are in town, put them on your calender!
Advice
What movies are your favorites that you would recomend to me?
"And, to what do I owe the honors of another chat with myself."
"Why, it's better than surfing the monotony of technology."
Out on the road today, traffic jammed up like red meat in the bowels, and all I want to do is wash a blanket. "How hard can this be?" you might ask. Ha! You have to have a very large machine called 'The Big Bertha' to wash a blanket this fluffy and big. Yes, that's right. It was called 'Big Bertha.' I called around for a while to different laundry places and none of them had the facilities to accommodate my blanket. When I finally found one that could- well..... It was a bit of a drive. A jaunty trip through the streets of Florida on a Monday afternoon.
Florida has some of the worst drivers I have ever seen, and I have driven all over most of the U.S and Canada.
So, as I leisurely drove, just above the speed limit down a packed street, minding my own business, paying my own mind some WHORE BAG BITCH (er..hum.. a lady in a black car) decided she needed to skid to a stop behind me and nearly rear end my vehicle. Holding my breath, the light turned green, and I took off. To my deepest regret the Whore Bag decided to tailgate me. It wasn't enough that she'd already nearly hit me, she had to tail gate me to. So, what do I do? Oh, why I just slow on down to 20 miles an hour on a packed surface street until the woman is spitting angry behind me and trying to get around me.
She deserved it, and everyone else had the simple idea to go around. Really, it is that simple. That's why there are multiple lanes. Finally, she hauls her ass around my car and takes a moment to give me the bird as she goes, and I notice as her fat finger in the air that she's also eating and talking on the phone. Of course she is.
I speed up to the speed limit and off I go down the road, everyone is content and life goes one. The traffic thins when I near my house because I live outside of town. There is no one behind me, but lookie here... the Whore Bag is stopped at the red light right next to me. Oh goodie!
Yes, I am a cunt.
I speed up, get in front of her and sloooooowwwwww down. Wee! Now we are having a good time. Go on fatty, feed your face, talk on your phone, and figure out how you're going to get down the road faster than 30mph.
Why 30 you ask? Because she had just been tailgating a delivery truck who seemed to be pretty angry with her as well. So, he slows down, I get over in the other lane, slow down, and she is stuck, stuck, stuck, behind us. Don't worry all you naysayers out there: there wasn't any other traffic behind us getting trapped. Just her. This lasted a couple of miles. Then I had to turn off to go home.
I left her with a salute involving my longest finger and a big smile. Yep, I am that asshole.
Home again and I have a clean blanket, washed in Big Bertha, crisp and clean. I play with the dogs a while, eat some Thai food, and then there is always more work to be done. I mow the back lawn in the dark. Yes, in the dark. It is much to hot in this wretched town to be doing anything in the daytime here, especially mowing the lawn when all you have is a crappy push power (not self propelled) on its last leg and an acre of yard.
Shower, laundry, a movie (Old Dogs with Robin Williams and John Travolta), and now it is two in the morning and I should be in bed.
Questions, Comments
1. For ten points, where did I grow up?
2. For ten points, What college did I go to, and did I graduate?
Upcoming Shows
This Saturday at Revolution Nightclub in Orland with the Les Vixens. I'll be there all night, come and see me, smile, and have a good time.
The 19th at Tru Lounge in Clearwater FL with Frankie J. Markstone and special guests. Singing, dancing, impersonations.... A grand event.
The 6th at Cold Keg Nightclub in Melbourne FL with the VaudeVillains Burlesque. A night of spooky entrainment, Smoke and Mirrors.
You won't want to miss any of these great shows. If you are in town, put them on your calender!
Advice
What movies are your favorites that you would recomend to me?
VIEW 12 of 12 COMMENTS
I just watched Harold and Maude again, it's a gem of a movie.
Questions? Um grew up in Ohio?
School? I've no clue, sorry.
Take care ok.