erin

You know love, I wish I could write about the kinds of emotions you stir in me in a quick and easy way, but I know I can't. It seems like every single time I read one of your journal entries I get that lump in my throat and start to get glassy eyed and know the tears are going to be flowing whether I like it or not. My God you break my heart, Veronica- you really break my heart. To even scratch the surface of why is to open a floodgate of emotion that runs so deep I- oh damnit, I don't know if I can finish this. I never have before- if you only knew how many beginnings I've written to words I was going to post in your journal or email you directly that I couldn't finish- they become a jumble of thoughts that turn into a kind of stream of consciousness that bounces from one thought to another in a way that only someone else who has ADD/ADHD could ever follow or make sense of... but then it goes beyond that, till even I myself forget the point I'm trying to make, as I stray from tangent to tangent. I'm nearing that point now, in fact. Jesus, you should see all I wrote in response to that journal entry of yours with the analogy about the Roadrunner and Wild E. Coyote- I never COULD finally put that together.

Pardon me love, but right now I gotta go lie down for a little while and come back to finish this in a bit; besides the unsteady emotional state I'm in at the moment, I have a tooth that cracked and did some painful nerve damage (which my insurance won't pay to have treated), and which I need to find a way to pay $1500 for a route canal and reconstruction of- and it's hurting me so fucking badly at the moment that i'm about to faint. ... back in a bit ...

-90 min. or so later:

OK, I'm back... I'm not really hurting any less- not in any sense- but for this once time I'm gonna try and put this thought together. Alright, here goes: the reason you break my heart upon my reading your words is complicated, Veronica. Your words are often childlike in their innocence- seemingly consciously so- yet still somehow so beautiful and touching in their naivet. You see the world in such a simple and yearning way- though you do perhaps play it up a bit to add to the eloquence and style of the narrative you use to relate these thoughts in your journal. I remember a quote I heard one time that goes "there's a simple pleasure one takes in saying things well." Nonetheless, just like artists (as they choose to create works of self-expression), we're all a bit guilty of "grandstanding" in a sense by choosing to wear our hearts on our sleeves as we discuss the specifics of or the generalities of our lives or life in general here in such a public forum.

In the end though, there seems somehow to be something so honest and pure about you that I feel like I can see right through to your soul. And I can't quite put my finger on what it is, definitively. Maybe it's the fact that I see so much of myself in you. Maybe it's that we have so much in common that I think we might be the same person. Maybe I'm sure of it. Perhaps it's madness to think you know someone intimately from simply reading their words or staring at their picture as I've done with yours, as your magnificent likeness in your irresistable nerd glasses from the "clothes swap pt.1" set is currently set as my desktop pic. Maybe I'm fucking scared to death I might be falling in love with you. But there really can't be any such thing as "love" can there? Not if everyONE's the same person- playing different personalities inside a universe of delusion... not if every THING's the same single THING. It's all just chasing shadows on a wall, isn't it? But I can be a pretty good shadowboxer sometimes, don't ya think?

Love is the Seventh Wave,

Alexander

Aliens, whose appearances have changed due to centuries of evolving after leaving Earth once it became uninhabitable, are humans using eventual time-travel technology to visit us from the future.

[Edited on Sep 17, 2003]