Sometimes I lie in bed by the open window listening to the sounds of the traffic whirling by at 360 rpm and it seems like my life is on pause. Outside the window everything is happening so fast, but inside it feels like I've been motionless for days.
If I stare into the mirror too long I can see myself age, my muscles atrophy before my eyes and every moment that goes by is one less precious moment that I'm going to need if I'm ever going to get off the ground. I have so much to learn! and I want to know everything. And where the hell do they teach you everything? Actually, where the fuck do they teach you anything at all? At this point it seems like existence is just one big fucking disaster after another big fucking disaster, and I am just not ready to deal with big fucking disasters. I am not prepared to deal with everyday life. I spaced out in REALITY 101 and now i'm flunking my final exam.
And what am I supposed to do about it? Well my coping mechanism so far has been to entertain fleeting dreams about as long as it takes to follow through on one. I would look in the classifieds, circling jobs and daydreaming, but i would never pick up the phone and call. Then i would plan out a educational system but never even attempt to register for classes. I would get kicked out of apartments and my mother would come bail me out, help me scout for and pay for a new place while i shiftlessly drifted, unemployed, through the neighborhoods of Portland. A real loser. The girl sitting on the sidewalk at the plaid pantry smoking a re-lit cigarette butt with her stoner buddy. The little girl, rebelling against her middle class family, pretending to be homeless with a two bedroom apartment for which she's barely paid a dollar.
And believe me, it disgusts me now. I felt so sure of myself back then, so optimistic that everything was going to work out fine and i would one day be rich and comfortable because i had never known anything else. I had no plans for the future but I had never had any plans and I liked the way my life was shaping up. And why wouldn't I? I dinked around all day long. Unemployed and unburdened with the problems of taxes, full time work and putting food in my belly. What money i made I spent completely on shopping. I never gave a serious thought to my future other than the social events i had planned for the evening. I had my mommy on speed dial, #3 and #4 on my very own cell phone. It was a perfect life, and I blew right through it, a bippy narcissistic little twat without a concern for anyone but myself.
Holy shit. and what really bugs me now, and will continue to bug me for the rest of my life is that I couldn't see it in myself. Just like i couldn't see it in myself when i was 10 and like i won't be able to see it in myself when I'm 30. I will never grow up, I will never be able to cope and I will probably never feel like a proper human being....
I look in the mirror and i see the eyebags start to set deeper and every flaw on my face highlighted by the lack of color to my skin. We were put on earth with one purpose: to die. Because regardless of how many falling anvils and brick walls he gets hit by during the show, the coyote will never learn.
I used to be a roadrunner. Tonight I'm a coyote.
If I stare into the mirror too long I can see myself age, my muscles atrophy before my eyes and every moment that goes by is one less precious moment that I'm going to need if I'm ever going to get off the ground. I have so much to learn! and I want to know everything. And where the hell do they teach you everything? Actually, where the fuck do they teach you anything at all? At this point it seems like existence is just one big fucking disaster after another big fucking disaster, and I am just not ready to deal with big fucking disasters. I am not prepared to deal with everyday life. I spaced out in REALITY 101 and now i'm flunking my final exam.
And what am I supposed to do about it? Well my coping mechanism so far has been to entertain fleeting dreams about as long as it takes to follow through on one. I would look in the classifieds, circling jobs and daydreaming, but i would never pick up the phone and call. Then i would plan out a educational system but never even attempt to register for classes. I would get kicked out of apartments and my mother would come bail me out, help me scout for and pay for a new place while i shiftlessly drifted, unemployed, through the neighborhoods of Portland. A real loser. The girl sitting on the sidewalk at the plaid pantry smoking a re-lit cigarette butt with her stoner buddy. The little girl, rebelling against her middle class family, pretending to be homeless with a two bedroom apartment for which she's barely paid a dollar.
And believe me, it disgusts me now. I felt so sure of myself back then, so optimistic that everything was going to work out fine and i would one day be rich and comfortable because i had never known anything else. I had no plans for the future but I had never had any plans and I liked the way my life was shaping up. And why wouldn't I? I dinked around all day long. Unemployed and unburdened with the problems of taxes, full time work and putting food in my belly. What money i made I spent completely on shopping. I never gave a serious thought to my future other than the social events i had planned for the evening. I had my mommy on speed dial, #3 and #4 on my very own cell phone. It was a perfect life, and I blew right through it, a bippy narcissistic little twat without a concern for anyone but myself.
Holy shit. and what really bugs me now, and will continue to bug me for the rest of my life is that I couldn't see it in myself. Just like i couldn't see it in myself when i was 10 and like i won't be able to see it in myself when I'm 30. I will never grow up, I will never be able to cope and I will probably never feel like a proper human being....
I look in the mirror and i see the eyebags start to set deeper and every flaw on my face highlighted by the lack of color to my skin. We were put on earth with one purpose: to die. Because regardless of how many falling anvils and brick walls he gets hit by during the show, the coyote will never learn.
I used to be a roadrunner. Tonight I'm a coyote.
VIEW 25 of 47 COMMENTS
natiecakes:
Oh yah! Well............ YOU DONT TELL ME, I TELL YOU!p.s. how do you like my journal now?
muller:
so, umm.... what airline?