Why do I even bother?
So. Yeah. I auditioned for a play a week ago. I thought I did pretty well. There were things I would have liked to have done better, mind you, but I was happy with it. I got a callback. Awesome. The callback went pretty well, I thought, too. I read for 3 characters: the first one was alright, the second one, I think I could have done better, but I wasn't expecting to read for that character, and the third one, I felt I nailed. During the callback the director of the show gave a basic introduction to a physical movement style called Slow Tempo, of which I'd had 3 summer's of physical acting workshop experience with (taken with the director), so I felt that might give me a leg up, as I knew what I was doing.
So when I get the email, telling me how hard a decision it was, how great a performer I am, but that she didn't cast me...
I realize I'm just not cut out for this business. I used to be. But not anymore. It's clearly been to long. I was really putting a lot of hope into this show. I really needed this. I have been starved on soul food for so fucking long....I really thought I had a shot at this. And the platitudes delivered while telling me I'm not fit for the show? It hurts. My skin used to be thicker than this. I guess it's not like riding a bike, I suppose.
Six years ago, the last time I auditioned for a show (and was actually cast), There were three shows performing, and I was called back for all three. At the callback, I saw the talent that was there, and so did the directors, and they all wanted me in their show. I heard later, that there was a discussion amongst them about who was going to get me. Six years later, and this seems to have changed.
Have I gotten worse? Am I horribly rusty? Has the rest of the theater community gotten better? Is what the directors are looking for changed? I have no fucking idea. All I know, is that 2 of 3 auditions I've been to in the last year and half I have now been told how great I was at the callback...but just wasn't quite good enough to be cast. But I made it a difficult decision for them. Yay me! Whoop-de-fuckin'-do. The third audition, I wasn't happy with my performance that the callback called for...it was an odd show, and I didn't really see myself in any of the parts, so I didn't care about that one not casting me after the callback. I expected it.
But this last one...I really though I had a shot. And not getting cast affects me more now than it did in fucking high school. I really needed this. My life has felt so incredibly stagnant that I'm practically screaming inside my head...I was so looking forward to this way too much. To do acting again, on stage, after so long without it...I enjoy it to a degree that nothing has ever compared to for the last 6 years. Nothing. There isn't a month that has gone by since the last time I did a real show that I don't regret the time that has passed since I was last doing a real fucking show. Everything seemed right this time....the work schedule for the time in question looked like it wouldn't be asking too much of me like it has since fucking February, there wasn't anything personally that was going to be getting in the way--all the conditions were right. And most importantly, I was ready. God Damnit, I've BEEN ready! Life just never seems to fit. This time? It seemed like everything else in my life was actually fitting.
I really needed this. Fuck.
So. Yeah. I auditioned for a play a week ago. I thought I did pretty well. There were things I would have liked to have done better, mind you, but I was happy with it. I got a callback. Awesome. The callback went pretty well, I thought, too. I read for 3 characters: the first one was alright, the second one, I think I could have done better, but I wasn't expecting to read for that character, and the third one, I felt I nailed. During the callback the director of the show gave a basic introduction to a physical movement style called Slow Tempo, of which I'd had 3 summer's of physical acting workshop experience with (taken with the director), so I felt that might give me a leg up, as I knew what I was doing.
So when I get the email, telling me how hard a decision it was, how great a performer I am, but that she didn't cast me...
I realize I'm just not cut out for this business. I used to be. But not anymore. It's clearly been to long. I was really putting a lot of hope into this show. I really needed this. I have been starved on soul food for so fucking long....I really thought I had a shot at this. And the platitudes delivered while telling me I'm not fit for the show? It hurts. My skin used to be thicker than this. I guess it's not like riding a bike, I suppose.
Six years ago, the last time I auditioned for a show (and was actually cast), There were three shows performing, and I was called back for all three. At the callback, I saw the talent that was there, and so did the directors, and they all wanted me in their show. I heard later, that there was a discussion amongst them about who was going to get me. Six years later, and this seems to have changed.
Have I gotten worse? Am I horribly rusty? Has the rest of the theater community gotten better? Is what the directors are looking for changed? I have no fucking idea. All I know, is that 2 of 3 auditions I've been to in the last year and half I have now been told how great I was at the callback...but just wasn't quite good enough to be cast. But I made it a difficult decision for them. Yay me! Whoop-de-fuckin'-do. The third audition, I wasn't happy with my performance that the callback called for...it was an odd show, and I didn't really see myself in any of the parts, so I didn't care about that one not casting me after the callback. I expected it.
But this last one...I really though I had a shot. And not getting cast affects me more now than it did in fucking high school. I really needed this. My life has felt so incredibly stagnant that I'm practically screaming inside my head...I was so looking forward to this way too much. To do acting again, on stage, after so long without it...I enjoy it to a degree that nothing has ever compared to for the last 6 years. Nothing. There isn't a month that has gone by since the last time I did a real show that I don't regret the time that has passed since I was last doing a real fucking show. Everything seemed right this time....the work schedule for the time in question looked like it wouldn't be asking too much of me like it has since fucking February, there wasn't anything personally that was going to be getting in the way--all the conditions were right. And most importantly, I was ready. God Damnit, I've BEEN ready! Life just never seems to fit. This time? It seemed like everything else in my life was actually fitting.
I really needed this. Fuck.
Anyways, if you really need to do this, acting/performing, you'll find a way. Maybe thru a backdoor that saves you from the auditioning process? That's how i've crafted my little performing world. Hate auditions.
Good luck.