yes, I am always in pain - always have been as far back as memory allows - I have a heart issue that has caused me chest pain my entire life, though I've (obviously) adapted to it...
no, I haven't had it looked at since HS, though it was said that I'd need surgery/valve replacement "soon" - though that's been over 25yrs ago, so think I've long surpassed their expectations of "soon," I'm certain ( since I was given a likely lifespan of 18, then 21, I've already doubled that )
yes, I am quite... damaged... including head damage and scars both invisible and largely healed ( including some from surgeries in my youth )
of the several incidents that damaged my skull, the worst was a car accident in '96 where my head was cracked open and stapled shut...
there is still a crack in my skull and a ridge along it, so if I was ever to shave my head I'd look like a Klingon
it largely only causes me pain if I "catch" it somehow ( like with a comb or brush ) or - the worst of it - when it's below 40/45 degrees...
I get an instant headache when it's that cold that can last for hours afterwards ( not necessarily dependant upon how cold it is, but it's a factor, certainly )
since the accident I've had other skull incidents as well - including an attack-and-robbery that occurred mere weeks after my ex-wife left me - so I'm now "concussion-prone"
which doesn't help much, since I'm pretty much accident-prone as well - skull impacts included *sighs*
this also means that, yes, I do have memory loss due to the head damage
I remember absolutely little-to-nothing of before I was 15 - thankfully I did a lot of writing, so that helps/helped me ascertain some of my "childhood"
no big loss, though, gauging from what I had written ;)
the years between 15-18 are scattercrash, at best... I remember some, but not a lot
initially after the accident I had more memory loss than that, but some of the memoria returned... VERY painfully returned...
it was rough, the first decade, when something would trigger the return of memories - sudden blinding pain with a rush of "oh, by the way..."
in recent years I've had very little memoria return, thankfully...
unfortunately, I have a lot of memoria dreams, which often suck due to the nature of my life - particularly my 20s and some people I associated with all too closely :(
in my youth I'd broken both my wrists within a year - being a kid with a longing to become a drummer, this completely sucked :(
I've gotten used to this pain ( as I have all my pains ) and you can still hear grinding and a little cracking if I turn my wrists a certain way
sadly, this means if I'm carrying something heavy I can - and often will - suddenly "lose" my wrists, and my grip, on something I'm holding or helping with due to this
so I try to warn people that I'm helping that I *may* suddenly drop my end and I'm sorry in advance, but will try to pay attention and be aware if it's about to "lose hold" on me
sometime around the death of my sister I began having loss of feeling in my limbs - particularly my legs
I did have a few visits to try to ascertain the problem - figured likely to do with my heart issues - but before the $$ I had saved ran out, I at least discovered it did not have to do with my heart
it was largely assumed, after a variety of testing, that due to my head damage (and other damage-incidents) that I have some nerve damage...
my $$ had been wiped out by that point, but since that was their last-intent of testing, that's what it's assumed I have : nerve damage causing intermittant numbness/lack of feeling
which has increased as time has gone on
so, yes, I often have loss of feeling in my legs, albiet rarely in my arms - I don't even notice anymore as I've adapted/gotten used to it
others will notice my unusual gait, since I no longer walk "normally" - and even I will sometimes realize by a shift in my walking when I've lost feeling again
it really doesn't bother me anymore, but it's weird realizing that big chunks of the time I can't feel my legs ( like when I drop something on it that should've hurt *laughs* )
a more recent issue - though ongoing and increasing for about a decade now - is shaking, mostly in my hands
it's a near constant... I joke that I'm a human vibrator now *laughs*... and rarely bothers me much
I tend, when around other people, to concentrate and eliminate as much shaking as possible
depending on what I'm doing it can be obvious or barely noticible, but I'm well aware of it
only recently my daughters ( at least, my youngest spawnling ) has noticed - because I was holding onto my leg when sitting, the shaking had caused my arm/shoulder to shake and twitch while we were playing a board game
*shrugs* my eldest wasn't the least bit concerned *laughs*
yes, as well, my teeth are shattered - not gone, as the roots are still there, but not visible as the top portions have disintegrated for the most part over the past decade
and, yes, it's painful - but like with all my pains, I'm used to it ... and, no, it's not due to lack of brushing - I brush daily, despite what people think or assume ( sorry to disappoint )
and, very much yes, people judge me for it - if I smile, I try to smile without showing my lack of teeth... laughing is a bitch though, can't hide it then
so even though bad teeth run in my family, mine began when the front teeth were first shattered by a frying pan ( yes, this did happen - the ex was there to see it... sorry to disappoint those few who have actually tried to tell me it didn't *yeesh* )
no, I haven't gone to a dentist for it then or since - can't afford it... and with my heart issue I have to see a Dr before ANY dental visit to avoid further issues ( many dentists wouldn't even see me until I did so, due to responsibility issues, etc )
hells - the last time I kissed anyone, let alone anything more/further than, I still had my teeth... so s'been awhile ( obviously! )
despite being the GOT, I honestly don't know what my "skillset" would be like now without teeth ;)
I still laugh that one of my nicknames in my youth - when I was a 15yr-old-drummer - was EmDee / M.D., because of how often I was in the hospital *laughs*
it's almost as if they somehow knew my "issues" would only get worse, neh ? *grins* :D
albiet without doctors, of course... which, yes, I get a lot of shit for...
not counting emergency room or urgent care visits, I haven't seen a doctor since HS - say what you will, but I couldn't afford it then and definitely can't afford it now
no worries, though - don't think I want to know what I'm not aware of... it's not as if I could afford to do anything about it if I did now, y'know ?
so... yeah... I'm a Damage Case - and I admit I've wanted to get "D/C" put on some of my leathers to reflect that...
at least I can laugh and joke about it all, right ? trust me, I'd be the first to make fun of my issues when given the chance :)
so I hope that helps to answer some of the questions that've been asked regarding my random mentionings and etc
that doesn't cover all of my issues, but a big chunk of it...
so - as always - ask away, I have nothing to hide and no secrets to keep :)
-thom Wolfox sR Rhose, AK/GOT (OOP)
unusualist - I have yet to find a religion and/or spirituality that fits my own personal beliefs... other than, of course, the fact I am a (fallen) god.