Strangely enough, there really aren't a lot of things I 'always wanted to be' or 'always wanted to do' ...
of the things I 'wanted to be,' most were obviously impossible - others I tried and failed or became physically inadept at
of the things I 'wanted to do,' even moreso... or less so, but age surpassed ability by a longshot
rarer yet are the things I 'wanted to be' or 'wanted to do' ... and did - even if they didn't last/were temporary-one-time things
I still have an intense interest in photography, but was never successful in being a photographer...
my interest led me to meeting and knowing models and photographers alike, as well as meeting people through them and so on
I never truly had any skill, honestly - out of every 100 or 1000 photos there was maybe a handful I liked and would share
I tried photographing a model once, but made a demn stupid contract (under stupid guidance/assistance) and have never seen the photos I took
*shrugs* we live/we learn
multiple things have stemmed from this interest - friends and friends-of-friends on fb and other sites, photo interest sites/links/friends, and the like
it led me to becoming a member of SG - which has the most interesting people, models and members alike ( much love! )
'course, as I've aged I've become far too shaky which makes my 'decent' photos less and less ( holding my arms up for any length of time becomes painful alone )
hilariously, I have photos of an ex-g/f that are the best I've taken ( and amongst the first ) - even if I'll never contact her purposefully ever again
I'm also proud of some of the nature photos I've taken and have shared some of these on multiple sites, including fb
( I'm behind on fb on posting vacation photos I've liked, of nature, so guess I'd best get on that, neh? )
for a short period of time I wanted to be married young (and get it over with?) - which is doubly hilarious in that at that time I had never dated...
and when I did date is was the aforementioned ex-g/f that was the worst of the 4-exes in my life
( I never thought of myself as dateable - since I didn't... and still really haven't - nor attractive, on the same lines... so even finding 'love' is unlikely )
hilariously - and weirdly, I admit - I did end up married... though in my 30s, not when I was young, though married to someone who was *laughs*
complete opposites, it didn't last - though I admit it's not as if we actually dated - and stranger yet since she's become my closest friend and confidant
she was also the only relationship that lasted longer than 40days ( and only one that didn't involve cheating - let alone multiple times )
our two middle children lived - my crazy yet wonderful daughters - who scarcely know ( or realize? ) that they would've had siblings
so - yeh - I did the marriage thing, albiet short-lived, and got good things out of it :)
I always wanted to travel - but didn't start until a few years back... the list of travels (so far) :
March 2011 - Vegas ( I have friends who live in Vegas )
March 2012 - Vegas
June 2015 - San Francisco
January 2016 - Nevada-Arizona ( with my fathre! our first trip together in almost 25yrs! )
July 2016 - MinnKota/Black Hills/Badlands Roadtrip ( my favourite thus far :) )
so... obviously I haven't travelled much - and with years inbetween that I couldn't afford to *shrugs*
places I'd still love to go ( but haven't figured out a way to do so affordably ) ?
Washington, D.C.
out of the country ( hey, if I get my passport I still may ): Europe or Australia or...?
Grand Canyon and other natural sites
*shrugs* my list isn't long, but I haven't been travelling long or often, so don't really know where/what would be good to check out
last year's roadtrip taught me that it can be done and is quite enjoyable to roadtrip with no plans and just... GO!
not that flying somewhere isn't bad - but I like to walk, if at all possible, and there's so few places to fly to where things to see are walkable
and I don't want to be driving in 'big cities' ( I avoided 'big places' with last year's roadtrip, city-wise anyways )
maybe if the current mindset/possibility of moving in 2019, I'll get my chance, in a way...
since the ex-wife intends on moving Summer '19, possibly to Montana, she's keeping me in the loop - since my daughters are my priority - and whereever she ends up, I need to be near
in a way, we're checking out ( or will be ) places and jobs together, so we can move basically as a family
nonetheless, I have a sort of wanderlust and - having been living in the same area, let alone same 'burb of, etc etc for record length - it's kinda burnt into me
mayhaps that's part of why I feel like I'm going crazy whenever it's just me for anything longer than a weekend where I'm just in my apartment/area
though this coming May week-and-a-half and July week-and-a-half I have no idea how I'll possibly stay mentally sane in the least *shivers*
I may not physically be capable of as much as I once was, but demned if I still don't want to be out somewhere else doing something !!
I always wanted to act ( film or otherwise ), but since I essentially become an epileptic from the neck down when people are watching me if I need to say/do something in front of people...
yeh, that never had and never will happen
( and that was even before my 'shakes' kicked in that are now everyday )
sensually/sexually there are a LOT of things I've never done or tried... but having only dated 4 people as aforementioned ( and only one lasting longer than 40days )
hells, I can count on my hands with fingers left over how many times the ex-wife were 'intimate' ( due to her ovarian cancer and surgeries being 'intimate' was painful for her and took months to recover... not to mention that nearly every time led to... inception, basically )
while, yes, the ones I dated before for less than weeks had their sexual encounters, most did so on the side with someone other than me *sighs* and while there was more sex than with the ex-wife, it wasn't much ( one of the 4 I wasn't 'with' until after we were over, oddly )
there are things I still, quite obviously, crave - I didn't get the nicknames of 'GOT' (God Of Tongue) and 'AK' (Aussie Kisses) "just because"
honestly, I could do without the sex itself but severely miss the foreplay like no tomorrow *yeesh/shivers*
it's been since '07 that I even kissed anyone, let alone anything more intimate, and don't know if I'd even be physically... er... capable
of 'lasting,' probably not in the least, I admit
and since '07 I've changed... a LOT... physically - I had teeth then and definately had a different body shape
not to mention the 'shakes' and other health-wise 'issues' I've aquired since then
never did get to 'test out' most of my depraved little 'kinks,' but I also used to be quite controlled and never 'gave in' completely...
knowing how I am on the rare occasions I do let my leash loose, even a little, I know that was probably a safer option, to be certain
what can I say - technically I have a mistress (official capacity, nothing sexual) and have been recently gifted with a wolf collar ! :) <3
oddly, when it comes to sensuality/sexuality, I'm an odd mix of dominant-submissive... I'll do anything to please, nigh ANYthing, but then I'll shift to the control-aspect
I'd rather please than be pleased, but I DO know what I like... and don't like ( not a fan of BJs, never have been - but I'll go down on a woman for hours if I'm allowed! )
I actually inundate myself, whenever possible, with the scent of lavendar... since the scent alone drives me a bit... feral, sexually... and so I try to 'numb' myself to it so I don't encounter it and have to essentially 'chain' myself from acting
ANYways...
I've never dressed the way I've wanted to - but, of course, I don't even look the way I wish I did ( I avoid mirrors like the plague, I admit - I wouldn't have any in my home if I could do without )
I love leather - and 'classic' modes of dress ( the 'gentlemanly' attire of olde - open sleeves, vests of leather or suede, etc )
suede is 'touch me cloth' *laughs* - but I can't STAND the feel of silk or that material that a lot of cold-weather attire is made of... I'm touch-sensitive and can't even MOVE when that stuff touches me !
guess it's hard to explain, kind of, but *shrugs* I'll never be WHO I am, I just simply... AM.
Er, this thing has become massive so I'm gonna stop now before it becomes even more absurd...
not to mention many of you probably know more about me now than you ever wanted to know
hey, I pride myself on my honest and WILL answer anything truthfully - no matter how strange, weird, or... other - as long as I have an answer, that is :)
Farethee well for now, my Lovelies and Gentlefolk - and very pleasant days and dreams !
twittage ::
2/25 : comparing a film to films I had no interest in - or worse yet, I utterly despised - is not the way to pique my interest: opposite, actually
2/26 : 3hrs awake and, no, I haven't showered yet... where would I go on a Sunday anyways ? it's not as if I had my daughters this weekend...
2/26 II : What would it take to get me to leave MN... not now (obviously), but in the future...
2/27 : 16yrs ago today I made the move to the Cities... s'been a long time - longest I've lived ANYwhere, actually... even this 'burb is a record
2/27 II : *laughs* - my eldest texted me not to watch Happy Tree Friends because it's 'over-the-top gore' and 'Mom loves it' - :D love my kiddos !
3/1 : fresh snowfall, 7 rollovers & over 20 crashes in past hour... essentially, most co-workers are going to be late - or not come in at all...
3/3 : break the law, pay the price for it... if you've avoided the consequences for years then get caught, expect that it'll be that much worse
3/5 : while I liked the Buffy TV series better than the Buffy movie ( it grew on me ), I still like Kristy Swanson as Buffy Summers better...
3/7 : ...and MN says "no" to real ID. I suppose, it's not as if Minnesotans want or need to use the airport or military facilities //sarcasm//
3/7 II : windy but hilarious weather walking home - bombarded by little snow 'poofs'... like an army of tiny faerun children throwing li'l snowballs
3/7 III : summer body? winter body? I didn't even know there were replacement options available - is it a cyber/biomechanic thing or more mystickal?
3/11 : "rounding up innocents & deporting them is something a supervillain would do" ... too bad this is real life & illegals aren't 'innocent' in breaking the law
Past Weeks' Random Playlist (albums) ::
Johnny Cash - The Essential Johnny Cash
Black Sabbath - Dehumanizer
Toad The Wet Sprocket - Fear
The Darkest Of The HIllside Thickets - [multiple albums]
watched recently :
via netflix/hulu/amazon:
Shadowhunters (1st Season)
Grosse Pointe Blank
War, Inc
Supergirl (1st/2nd Season)
The Flash (1st/3rd Season)
Legends Of Tomorrow (2nd Season)
Arrow (5th Season)
Nerve
Legion (1st Season)
Smallville (1st Season)
The Expanse (1st Season)
Doctor Who (multiple Doctors)
Roger Corman's Death Race 2050
ownedflix:
SiREN
Thale
Star Trek Into Darkness
Doctor Strange
Disney's Frozen
Fringe (1st Season)
Lethal Weapon
Killjoy's Psycho Circus
-thom Wolfox sR Rhose
unusualist - I have yet to find a religion and/or spirituality that fits my own personal beliefs... other than, of course, the fact I am a (fallen) god.