So, it's been quite a while since my last one of these. If anyone happens to read, forgive me if I ramble. Per the title, this is a simple mind dump. It helps those brain cells breathe a bit and maybe dump some excess thoughts. lol
I am approaching the 2 year mark deep into my welding training. I am seeking an associate degree.
I mentioned in my last blog (long ago) that I do deal with bipolar disorder. Every since starting into the welding program, I've had more mental stability than I've had in maybe 30 years. (I am 49). I am very hopeful that the sort of work is just better for my mind. I think it is and there are some logical reasons why. I used to be a computer programmer. When I was feeling the tension of a manic high or wallowing in a depressive low, as a programmer, it's easy to pretend to work by staring at a screen and paging around while my mind would continue to hash through my problems. With welding, you really can't fake it. If you have an arc struck, you need to pay attention. There is no avoiding it. It mostly blocks all else out and it is very Zen. I am hopeful that it can be the same when it is what I am doing professionally.
I am in sort of an uneasy spot with my personal life. I was getting involved in some long distance relationships involving mostly just internet contact. One of those became a real-world relationship for me years ago, so they do have potential. The trick is to be realistic and avoid being unrealistic with expectations. The one I am in now is the same thing and we had talked of being together physically in the near future permanently, but starting around early fall of 2017, it's felt to me like it's been slipping away. It's really no good to scramble to hold on in any relationship. It actually works against you, I think. It makes you seem desperate and clingy to the person drifting. On the flips side, if you totally let go, it's over because it lets them continue their pulling away. It's hard to feel motivated to hold on when the warmth isn't being reciprocated, but ultimately all you can do is do your best to be normal with them and let them decide their own path. Maybe they are just feeling something temporary.
I am currently on winter break with classes starting again this Thursday. That is probably a good thing. I've found myself on the dating sites a lot. I've had one mutual match with someone I found very attractive and another female also contacted me. I haven't responded to either and I won't until things are resolved in my current relationship. I guess I kind of wanted to know if there we women in my area that would be attracted to a guy living with his mom with no income. I put those facts on my profile and still got some interest from women I found attractive as well. So I have options and now I know it. I won't bail on my long distance relationship... yet... but it gives me the confidence. It reminds me that I don't have to be or feel desperate.
Going back to welding will get me back focused on me, not relationships.
I wish I knew for how long though. I actually only have two more regular lab courses left, one of which I am taking this upcoming quarter. One of the courses I need is only offered once a year and they just had it. I wasn't allowed into it last quarter, so it looks like I have to wait. Maybe find a job part time where I can weld while I finish my last few classes.
The end of classes and employment again would mean getting back into my own space which changes everything. Privacy again! Yay! Being able to buy cool stuff again after years of living minimally. Yay! lol
I do count my blessings though. My mom for letting me live here for free for now. If not for her, I don't think this would have been an option. The government for covering my school expenses. It would have been very costly otherwise.
Onward and upward!