I have a theory that I have developed over several years. Since moving to Costa Rica, I have eliminated the problem, but here's the scoop of how it was in Florida:
I have noticed that many of the idiot/asshole drivers on the road, are behind the wheel of a Chrysler Sebring. In fact, I will even go as far as to say they generally drive the Sebring Convertibles. I have tested this theory in several different towns, and during several different seasons and it still holds true. In fact, Chrysler even came out with a new model which I thought would kill the theory, but NO, it still applies! Over the years, I have narrowed these drivers down to 3 types...and I have my qualms with each.
TYPE 1: Tourist trash. This driver is usually a tourist from the North East. They come to town, treat everyone like shit, and have a very distinct accent. I have a feeling the conversation before they visit is like this "Haarrvveey, I wannna rent a convertible. We're gonna be in Flaaahhhrrrida, and we just gottta have a nice convertible." So, they get here, and the Sebring is what they choose. Now why the FUCK do you need a convertible??? Your gonna be "fire engine red" from your overexposure at the beach after the first day. Even though you put 50spf sunscreen on it won't help. You looked like a Varicose Veigny version Casper when you got here...and you will look like a tomato when you leave. You DON'T need to bake anymore while you drive around Sarasota at 25mph. Not to mention, your umbrella that you bring to the beach won't help...it's just gonna blow away and you will have to chase it. We will all laugh and point as you run down the beach in your palm tree print bathing suit with the elastic waste and mesh underwear built in (for men, or one piece suit with the skirt for women) . You do not fool anyone into thinking you are a local...even though you treat everyone like it is your town, and they owe you something. Yes I know Maryland has Blue Crabs, and no, I don't give a shit how you normally prepare them. You look like a fucking lobster, so lock it up! Why don't you go drive around St. Armands 18x until you figure out that you have to be in the RIGHT lane in order to go RIGHT! Better yet, rent a normal car, and use the money you saved, to buy a fucking map. Maybe then you can find the ice cream shop you are looking for!
TYPE 2: The "Waiting to Die" driver. This person is the most dangerous. They are not only old enough that can tell you stories about WWI, but they are reliving their youth by driving a convertible. Not to mention, they probably started out as a TYPE 1, and since they always rented the Sebring...now, of course, they bought one. My question to this type is, why the fuck are you even driving??? And...what the fuck are you doing with a convertible? You drive 10mph, so there is no breeze. You get your blue hair done once a month, so why fuck it up if a breeze does come through? You can't see the steering wheel, much less the sites, so why do you need the top down. It's not like you even look to see if anyone is in the lane you are shifting to, so your peripheral vision doesn't matter (you can't turn your neck even if you wanted to). You go to the dermotologist once a week to get skin cancer and sunspots removed...what the hell are you baking yourself in your car for? You actually belong on a short bus that takes you to and from the home...the name of the home, printed on the side of the bus often ends in the word "Village" to fool you into thinking the nursing home is "quaint," but really it feels like a hospital, and will be your final resting place. In my opinion, you should record a tape of people screaming and yelling, brakes screeching, the sound of other cars crashing, turn your air on HEAT, and never leave your house...you would get the same experience as driving to get your hair cut and permed, without fucking up MY day.
TYPE 3: These are my least favorite. I call them the wannabe Chamelions. These fuckos are typically in from the Mid-west or the North East, and are here on Spring breakor have some other reason to be beligerent drunk assholes. They bring their oaf-y pale friends down, "to show them the ropes" of Sarasota. This driver is usually seen sitting in the left lane of traffic, totally stopped, with their right turn signal onand some jitterbug bitch who's the queen in Michigan, in the back seat has her hand out in the "stop" motionattempting to have some control over the situation her meat-head boyfriend got them into. Oh, and I forgot to mention, the guy driving will have, what looks like, women's glasses on that cover half of his face, and have huge letters such as D & G..as if that will help him look like a fucking supermodel or something. Lay off the gel, and the steroids fuck boy.
This driver acquired the Sebring in one of two ways. Either their grandma (that they are visitingsee type 2) drives a Sebringor they are dumb enough to have rented it. After all, it is so "Wicked cool" to drive a convertible in Floridathat way everyone can see you. Usually these kids had two choices of rentals, either the Sebring convertible, or the Escaladebut the Escalade is usually too expensive, and they probably a 1998 Escalade back home with 26" rims on it. These drivers frequent such spots as The Deck, and the public beach during the day, and Blu, Horsefeather's, and Evie's at night. They can be spotted by their pink, robin's egg blue, or lime green polos with their collars popped of course. Do not be fooled, if they had rented the Escalade, they would blend in with all of the other fuck jobs in these same nightspots, but lucky for us, they usually opt for the Sebring. You can also spot them because they are drunk by 10:00pm, their fat friend who has the worst sunburn you've ever seen is puking under the bar, and they are shouting for more Jaeger or Tequila and hitting each other. I like to thank the Sebring for being the red flag to me of the events to come!
Ok, well the moral of the story is this. You may disagree with me, or you may have some Sebring stories or Types of your own. Send them my way. I bet, if you pay attention to the assholes on the road, often times the person driving will be behind the wheel of a Sebring. Happy motoring!
I have noticed that many of the idiot/asshole drivers on the road, are behind the wheel of a Chrysler Sebring. In fact, I will even go as far as to say they generally drive the Sebring Convertibles. I have tested this theory in several different towns, and during several different seasons and it still holds true. In fact, Chrysler even came out with a new model which I thought would kill the theory, but NO, it still applies! Over the years, I have narrowed these drivers down to 3 types...and I have my qualms with each.
TYPE 1: Tourist trash. This driver is usually a tourist from the North East. They come to town, treat everyone like shit, and have a very distinct accent. I have a feeling the conversation before they visit is like this "Haarrvveey, I wannna rent a convertible. We're gonna be in Flaaahhhrrrida, and we just gottta have a nice convertible." So, they get here, and the Sebring is what they choose. Now why the FUCK do you need a convertible??? Your gonna be "fire engine red" from your overexposure at the beach after the first day. Even though you put 50spf sunscreen on it won't help. You looked like a Varicose Veigny version Casper when you got here...and you will look like a tomato when you leave. You DON'T need to bake anymore while you drive around Sarasota at 25mph. Not to mention, your umbrella that you bring to the beach won't help...it's just gonna blow away and you will have to chase it. We will all laugh and point as you run down the beach in your palm tree print bathing suit with the elastic waste and mesh underwear built in (for men, or one piece suit with the skirt for women) . You do not fool anyone into thinking you are a local...even though you treat everyone like it is your town, and they owe you something. Yes I know Maryland has Blue Crabs, and no, I don't give a shit how you normally prepare them. You look like a fucking lobster, so lock it up! Why don't you go drive around St. Armands 18x until you figure out that you have to be in the RIGHT lane in order to go RIGHT! Better yet, rent a normal car, and use the money you saved, to buy a fucking map. Maybe then you can find the ice cream shop you are looking for!
TYPE 2: The "Waiting to Die" driver. This person is the most dangerous. They are not only old enough that can tell you stories about WWI, but they are reliving their youth by driving a convertible. Not to mention, they probably started out as a TYPE 1, and since they always rented the Sebring...now, of course, they bought one. My question to this type is, why the fuck are you even driving??? And...what the fuck are you doing with a convertible? You drive 10mph, so there is no breeze. You get your blue hair done once a month, so why fuck it up if a breeze does come through? You can't see the steering wheel, much less the sites, so why do you need the top down. It's not like you even look to see if anyone is in the lane you are shifting to, so your peripheral vision doesn't matter (you can't turn your neck even if you wanted to). You go to the dermotologist once a week to get skin cancer and sunspots removed...what the hell are you baking yourself in your car for? You actually belong on a short bus that takes you to and from the home...the name of the home, printed on the side of the bus often ends in the word "Village" to fool you into thinking the nursing home is "quaint," but really it feels like a hospital, and will be your final resting place. In my opinion, you should record a tape of people screaming and yelling, brakes screeching, the sound of other cars crashing, turn your air on HEAT, and never leave your house...you would get the same experience as driving to get your hair cut and permed, without fucking up MY day.
TYPE 3: These are my least favorite. I call them the wannabe Chamelions. These fuckos are typically in from the Mid-west or the North East, and are here on Spring breakor have some other reason to be beligerent drunk assholes. They bring their oaf-y pale friends down, "to show them the ropes" of Sarasota. This driver is usually seen sitting in the left lane of traffic, totally stopped, with their right turn signal onand some jitterbug bitch who's the queen in Michigan, in the back seat has her hand out in the "stop" motionattempting to have some control over the situation her meat-head boyfriend got them into. Oh, and I forgot to mention, the guy driving will have, what looks like, women's glasses on that cover half of his face, and have huge letters such as D & G..as if that will help him look like a fucking supermodel or something. Lay off the gel, and the steroids fuck boy.
This driver acquired the Sebring in one of two ways. Either their grandma (that they are visitingsee type 2) drives a Sebringor they are dumb enough to have rented it. After all, it is so "Wicked cool" to drive a convertible in Floridathat way everyone can see you. Usually these kids had two choices of rentals, either the Sebring convertible, or the Escaladebut the Escalade is usually too expensive, and they probably a 1998 Escalade back home with 26" rims on it. These drivers frequent such spots as The Deck, and the public beach during the day, and Blu, Horsefeather's, and Evie's at night. They can be spotted by their pink, robin's egg blue, or lime green polos with their collars popped of course. Do not be fooled, if they had rented the Escalade, they would blend in with all of the other fuck jobs in these same nightspots, but lucky for us, they usually opt for the Sebring. You can also spot them because they are drunk by 10:00pm, their fat friend who has the worst sunburn you've ever seen is puking under the bar, and they are shouting for more Jaeger or Tequila and hitting each other. I like to thank the Sebring for being the red flag to me of the events to come!
Ok, well the moral of the story is this. You may disagree with me, or you may have some Sebring stories or Types of your own. Send them my way. I bet, if you pay attention to the assholes on the road, often times the person driving will be behind the wheel of a Sebring. Happy motoring!