Part I
Nebulous and fog like, my thoughts swirl around like so much vapor, forming one cloudy shape, then dissolving into nothing, ever full of potential, yet never reaching fruition.
Tattered and bloody, my soul hobbles down the streets like a strung-out junkie, talking to anything that will listen. Hysterically screaming what seems like the most important justification for living to deaf ears.
My body goes through the motions like a North Vietnamese soldier, drugged and tied with tourniquets so all it feels is numb and a sense of duty. Go on, go on and die. I won't feel it. I'll take some of them with me, and do my country proud. Existing scars get smaller, in anticipation of new ones.
Like ripping open old scars to see if they're healing, it's one step forward, two steps back, all the way to the boneyard.
It's getting colder, I'm getting older, can't wait to go to sleep - dream a dream of nothing. Wake up numb, go through the motions, get my scars and go to sleep. Wait for the next day. Another shining opportunity to make myself a failure. One day I'll wake up, and the day won't shine so bright with opportunity. Time will have passed while I was numb and not paying attention. Then I'll be older and time is behind me instead of in front of me. The days don't shine so bright anymore - or maybe they do, and these eyes are growing clouded with age and disuse. Ah well. Move along. Keep going, and someday... just some day...
Edited to add...Part II
But someday never comes... at least not until it's too late. When I realized that someday is now, now is suddenly then.
I think back on other thens, back then when she liked me. She LIKED me. She liked ME. SHE liked me. And like all good things, it came to an end.
I remember that day. A cold Easter on Hell's doorstep. Driving four hours in each direction in absolute silence, only the wind howling around the car. Refusing to wear my coat, because I didn't want to look like a thug at a funeral. During the graveside service, it started to rain. Then the rain turned into ice. I remember standing there, hands gnawed by the wind, then just numb. Then the ears. Then the legs. Finally the last of the people left, leaving just me standing over her gunmetal casket, cold metal, something she would have hated when she was alive.
Finally when no one else is watching - I lose my grip. I collapse and embrace the cold metal, trying to convey some sense of peace to the corpse inside. All I can do is repeat through my tears again and again, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
When I come to, my face has left a half imprint on her coffin, and there are tracks where my tears ran down between my face and the coffin. My joints have gone stiff in the cold wind, and it hurts to stand up and walk away but I do.
I drive - getting lost and not caring. It's an hour and a half in silence, seeing my breath in the car before I realize that I haven't turned the heat on yet. I find myself lost and it getting dark. I look at the clock and it's 10:30pm. I stop at a restaurant to ask for directions. I don't even know what state I'm in anymore. I walk in and must have looked awful, because the few patrons looked up from their coffee and looked at me horrified like I was suffering from a severe head trauma. The waitress steps out from behind the counter and asks me what's wrong. I tell her I'm lost. She has Sarah's eyes. I leave without directions and everyone looking after me. I go and drive until I hit Illinois. I turn north, and after another 2 and a half hours, I make it back to my room.
Cold and alone, quiet - everyone else is still on Easter break. Bryan's asleep in his room. I sit and stare at the wall and think of then... back then when she liked me. She LIKED me. She liked ME. SHE liked me. And like all good things, it came to an end.
Around sunrise, I get tired and fall asleep on the floor. My roommate returns, and asks me what's going on. Why am I sleeping on the floor in my suit, looking like hell face all blotchy from crying, knees stained from kneeling next to the coffin in ice and mud not 10 feet from my bed? I tell him nothing's wrong. I go shower and stand in the hot water for almost 45 minutes. My knees are still cold. always and forever - numb. I'm thinking of then. back then, when she liked me, and I liked her. then it came to an end.
Nebulous and fog like, my thoughts swirl around like so much vapor, forming one cloudy shape, then dissolving into nothing, ever full of potential, yet never reaching fruition.
Tattered and bloody, my soul hobbles down the streets like a strung-out junkie, talking to anything that will listen. Hysterically screaming what seems like the most important justification for living to deaf ears.
My body goes through the motions like a North Vietnamese soldier, drugged and tied with tourniquets so all it feels is numb and a sense of duty. Go on, go on and die. I won't feel it. I'll take some of them with me, and do my country proud. Existing scars get smaller, in anticipation of new ones.
Like ripping open old scars to see if they're healing, it's one step forward, two steps back, all the way to the boneyard.
It's getting colder, I'm getting older, can't wait to go to sleep - dream a dream of nothing. Wake up numb, go through the motions, get my scars and go to sleep. Wait for the next day. Another shining opportunity to make myself a failure. One day I'll wake up, and the day won't shine so bright with opportunity. Time will have passed while I was numb and not paying attention. Then I'll be older and time is behind me instead of in front of me. The days don't shine so bright anymore - or maybe they do, and these eyes are growing clouded with age and disuse. Ah well. Move along. Keep going, and someday... just some day...
Edited to add...Part II
But someday never comes... at least not until it's too late. When I realized that someday is now, now is suddenly then.
I think back on other thens, back then when she liked me. She LIKED me. She liked ME. SHE liked me. And like all good things, it came to an end.
I remember that day. A cold Easter on Hell's doorstep. Driving four hours in each direction in absolute silence, only the wind howling around the car. Refusing to wear my coat, because I didn't want to look like a thug at a funeral. During the graveside service, it started to rain. Then the rain turned into ice. I remember standing there, hands gnawed by the wind, then just numb. Then the ears. Then the legs. Finally the last of the people left, leaving just me standing over her gunmetal casket, cold metal, something she would have hated when she was alive.
Finally when no one else is watching - I lose my grip. I collapse and embrace the cold metal, trying to convey some sense of peace to the corpse inside. All I can do is repeat through my tears again and again, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
When I come to, my face has left a half imprint on her coffin, and there are tracks where my tears ran down between my face and the coffin. My joints have gone stiff in the cold wind, and it hurts to stand up and walk away but I do.
I drive - getting lost and not caring. It's an hour and a half in silence, seeing my breath in the car before I realize that I haven't turned the heat on yet. I find myself lost and it getting dark. I look at the clock and it's 10:30pm. I stop at a restaurant to ask for directions. I don't even know what state I'm in anymore. I walk in and must have looked awful, because the few patrons looked up from their coffee and looked at me horrified like I was suffering from a severe head trauma. The waitress steps out from behind the counter and asks me what's wrong. I tell her I'm lost. She has Sarah's eyes. I leave without directions and everyone looking after me. I go and drive until I hit Illinois. I turn north, and after another 2 and a half hours, I make it back to my room.
Cold and alone, quiet - everyone else is still on Easter break. Bryan's asleep in his room. I sit and stare at the wall and think of then... back then when she liked me. She LIKED me. She liked ME. SHE liked me. And like all good things, it came to an end.
Around sunrise, I get tired and fall asleep on the floor. My roommate returns, and asks me what's going on. Why am I sleeping on the floor in my suit, looking like hell face all blotchy from crying, knees stained from kneeling next to the coffin in ice and mud not 10 feet from my bed? I tell him nothing's wrong. I go shower and stand in the hot water for almost 45 minutes. My knees are still cold. always and forever - numb. I'm thinking of then. back then, when she liked me, and I liked her. then it came to an end.
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
miloryan:
Just going through the motions, I know that all too well.
anais:
I really appreciate your comment in my journal. That is the main reason I do all of my art, to share one person view on life, one persons story. What you take from it makes it apart of you. Some people may not see whay you mean, but it's worth it when someone does. One day,and this has been many years delayed, i want to write my memoirs. Just to share one persons experience and lessons in life, one person who happens to have clinical depression and is lost within her mind, but finds beauty in it. I'll write it, one day.