Its been 9 years now. 9 years that ive had emotional and mental problems that even if i try to cure - never go away.
Ive accepted and admitted a very long time ago that i had problems i needed to deal with. I never tried to convince myself that i was "ok" yet , it never really fixed anything. I tried seeing terapist and psychologist and again - it never really fixed anything. It did help with some of my stress problems that ive developped over the years wich is very good since i was pretty much starving myself from lack of eating.
Having my parent seperating in a harsh way and having hostility constantly around the subject as a teen , being bullied at school so even when im out of my house - i still feel under pressure and stress and feeling overall like the ugly ducklin' of the bunch - the blacksheep of the familly - the "weird" kid that doesnt really fit anywhere
I dont know what ive ever did to deserve the things i went throught and am activly going throught right now. Some may say its part of life while others will say it was some kind of "challenge" i had to go throught for some reasons - i just know that it pretty much ruined everything Everytime i finally get a little rest and peace inside - it always end up creeping up on me.
im 21 years old and i dont even know what ill do with my life. do i even want to be an adult? no. if it were possible - id go back to when i was 5 - when my familly was still together and that everything was A-ok. When i didnt have any complexes about myself and when i was able to stare at myself in the mirror or take a shower without shivering in disgust. Ive never pretended to be a "strong" man - am i not. i am quite weak infact - but i try to balance things out with genuine kindess...thats something right? i dont even know.
Do i enjoy the little things in life? of course i do. i do enjoy parts of it (and thats the keyword : "parts") Do i want to end it all? no. i wouldnt want to put my familly and friends in such a situation. Loosing a close one is one of the hardest thing to deal with and giving them the impression that i was such a bad condition that i decided to end it is just....horrible.
but i just cant enjoy being me anymore. Being "good" isnt the only required quality to be concidered "nice" or in anyway , shape or form "attractive" and interesting - ive learned that the hard way after being tossed around like a toy by many women over the course of my years as a teen. But hey - thats ok since im a "nice" guy so who cares about what i think right? no one owns me anything - and apparently that includes respect and moral behavior.
Anyways - sorry for the long , negative and boring text of Baaaaaawing, i felt the need to take it out of my system and maybe someone will understand what im going throught without giving me the typical response of "Man up"