This has been a tough week. I have learned things and been told things that I need to process. People have told me how they feel about me. People have told me how other people feel about me. People have told me things that in some way shape or form involve me and they really felt I should know about for some reason. It's been good, it's been shitty, it's been hilarious and it's been enlightening. Some of it I knew, some of it is news to me, and some of it I doubt the integrity of the person who told me. I'm not happy, but I'm trying to change. I am a very petty and vindictive person. I will gladly hurt myself, or allow myself to be hurt, if I know it will make someone else hurt even more. I don't want to be that way anymore. I'm trying not to be that way anymore, but it's hard to fight how I've behaved for so long. I'm passive aggressive, I'm manipulative, and I'm good at it. I see it clearly in myself and I'm pretty damn good at seeing it in others. I really don't like it, I really don't like me, and I'm trying to change. It's not easy, it's awkward and it's uncomfortable. I'm unhappy, but I'm trying. I'm OK being alone, but I hate being lonely. I've been pretty lonely for awhile now. I don't ever want to drag anyone down with me, but I don't want to be alone any longer. I sabotage things before they even have a chance to begin because I don't want to get hurt, and I don't want to hurt others. But when I do want to hurt others, I want them to really suffer. I'm usually good at finding someone's weak points and attacking those. I'm always worried someone will attack me in the same manner. I'll point out my own issues before anyone else can because I feel that it will make it so things don't hurt me as much. It just drives people away. There's that self sabotaging thing again. I'm not happy, but I'm trying to change. I always feel that everyone else knows what's going on, and knows how they feel, but I don't. I never feel like I have any right to pursue anyone because, "who the fuck am I to try to change their way of thinking?" They'll only eventually realize their mistakes and I'll disappoint them. I'm depressed right now, but it will pass. I'm still trying to change. I want to be happy again. I want to like myself.
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