There's something wrong with me.
For the majority of the time I've known her (the younger one), I've gotten nosebleeds.
I'm serious.
Sometimes I don't realise what it is between myself and the people closest to me.. but nosebleeds are a very clear thing. With another one we would think the same thing at the same time too often to ignore. I once thought I made one of them call me (one of the mediums) just by thinking about it (when we weren't talking to each other). And even if it isn't the same weirdness as the others I'm comforted by being in contact with my one friend even though it's hard to deal with the long periods of silence we share with each other, when not playing Destiny (while in party chat, no while literally not talking to each other). Knowing that it's comforting to her is comforting to me. Funny that someone else in group chat just mentioned Destiny 2 and she's like yassssss.
But nosebleeds is weird. It wasn't the nosebleeds themselves but the frequency and that I wasn't bothered by them (I never have nosebleeds otherwise). More like when they stopped it meant I'd be losing contact with her again.
So the times when we haven't been as close.. no nosebleeds.
Lost contact for a month. Nothing during that time.
I thought about her recently. Nosebleed.
I didn't know what to think. I mean I knew what to think but didn't think it made any sense because it had been almost a month and but to my knowledge nothing had changed. So I didn't want to think about it.
What is it about certain people though that you can't let yourself walk away and move on unless you really have no other option. I know that if I could be unbiased and just step away I know there's reasons I could use to say yes she's not worth it because of this or that. It just doesn't matter.
That was Saturday night or Sunday morning because I was at work. I didn't bring the PS4 or Xbox One X although that had been the plan. Because I didn't I couldn't play Destiny with my close friend. I should have though. Destiny is that thing we've always had together. It's how we met. It's what kept us together. It sucks that Destiny 2 is such a steaming pile of shit or we would be playing together more often. I'm not entirely sure if she wants to play now because I've been down recently or she's actually interested in it again.
She was irritated. She wanted to pick a fight.
I haven't been in contact with the younger girl in a month. I'd only just stopped feeling really bad about it. Yes I've been handling it poorly but that's my problem. The not knowing why and the disconnection was so sudden I was in shock. I haven't done anything about it and for the most part. I haven't bothered other people about it (other than posting about it here). I've just been mentioning how bizarre and sudden it was to my close friend.
She's been saying all along that I should walk away because I don't deserve to be treated poorly or not appreciated properly for my kindness just because someone is insecure.
I've been trying to tell her that's exactly why we've been having trouble all along. I entirely support people trusting their gut when they feel insecure about random people they meet online. Some people have more trusting hearts than others.
I honestly tried to move on twice when it seemed like that trust was gone. And honestly have tried interacting with other people. This includes adding someone back on Snapchat that I'm not clear anymore how we disconnected and I'm really not sure how to proceed with her.. so I'm just winging it. I added her. She added me back.. I'm just watching her stories and biding my time for an opportunity to really reconnect.
My other friend got fed up and decided to confront her. As for reasons that are beyond me they have each other added on IG.
I said do what you want. It's been a month and there's nothing to be done about this situation. Whereas up until that point I was opposed to them interacting. I don't want them fighting with each other.
That's what it sounded like as she gave been a progress report. I'm never going to say I understand other people because my concerned friends isn't about subtle. Especially when she's defending people. And especially when she's doing so from a position of retaliation.
We've known each other for years and I do what I can for her without a second thought. She's listened as much as I've listened.
So I was surprised when her intervention wasn't met with a figurative door being slammed on her face.
I was even more shocked to have the notification that I'd been added by someone on Snapchat. I didn't immediately respond.
I don't know how to.
I was even more shocked when, after some choice words, she stated that I wasn't blocked. She'd only removed me.
Same difference. I wasn't about to reach out to someone that, had made their position clear.
Some further choice words later and I'm still not sure what to do. I told her this.
I don't know what to do in this situation because I've been in it too often before.
When someone makes it clear to you that they don't want anything more to do with you.. and you make peace with that.. but they come back and are like well you could have contacted me.
I'm just like pokerface. Why do they say that.
Why do they say it was my choice to not contact them? I suppose I wasn't surprised because of the nosebleed but I honestly don't know what to do.
She had total cause to stop talking to me. When it happened the last time I felt, and still do feel like it was because I was being fucked with. I feel that same way now because I have no proof of the contrary.