I stopped watching the show mid last season. Truthfully I didn't want to watch it at all. I'm not Elliot Alderson but as with some televised fiction.. its just too close to real.
Even Shayla.. that's how that all went down for me.. and highlights a difference. I don't do drugs. And I like to think I'm not a hacker. Something like I had just enough of a proper upbringing that I wasn't a loner but could have become exactly the person who is represented by that character. Nevertheless.. and I mean despite the nearly moot differences.. I carry around misery. A pain. It isn't just misery.. it isn't just loneliness but something about people. Good people bad people.. wtv the case is I can't deal with most people.
My Shayla's name was Catherine. My Shayla was into all kinds of drugs. I'm an emotional sponge and well while she didn't end up the same way Shayla did.. I learned things. Or realized a confirmation about the way I've felt since I was a kid. Even though there's good in people and you can and must do what you can to nurture it and bring it out.. the world is full of monsters.
The lack of inhibition when it comes to personal privacy boundaries seems to be required when you first understand that people aren't who the say they are. But when I fall for wtv they are selling.. or believe that what I see is what I want to see.. I have to dig deeper.
Mr Robot's Elliot manifests this in an exaggerated distrust of people who appear to be normal. I don't ascribe to the trope of what is normal and no one is normal.. or that only boring people are normal.. but the people that can best pull off acting normal probably aren't. Any slip.. and little neurotic tick gives them away.
Thankfully I hate the majority of people enough that I can't pay attention to them long enough to develop that tick.
My tick is the other way around. I love people like a light switch. It is binary. My Catherine was pretty I would have said.. but it was her very Shayla like effervescence that pulled me to her.
The argument I've been having with myself with regard to Mr Robot is why. I know I'm lonely and I deal with it by focusing on small shit. If its Destiny or batch scripts or certain people in my life that interest me. Why?
As much as people call me a hacker.. that's just something I understand the consequences of. I have refused to learn coding even though I want to live and breath it. I want to make apps and make games and such.. but I know that I'd become Elliot Alderson if I did.
In these last few years since Catherine the only thing I've learned is that short of hacking to find out exactly how people are.. I still feel as bad. If I did know with certainty.. because sometimes I have come into information that I had no right to know.. It ends up hurting more.
I hurt plenty without it. And thankfully I can help without hacking even though I can't help as much as if I could.
I really hate this show and don't want to watch it because it brings pain with it because so many of the situations presented.. I've lived through. People are shit and can't be held accountable for their stupidity because so much of it gets us through the day.
Not at least as individuals. I don't care anymore about fixing people.. but just helping them.
At the end of EP7 Elliot tells the truth. Which he has been somewhat throughout the first series.
This is disasterous usually because the truth being told to the wrong person does break them. Again this bothers me because over the last couple of years at Aldo I said fuck it and just became brutally honest with everyone. Very often people would be like WTF why are you being so rude or wtv.
I'm like what do you want me to lie to you and tell you that you didn't make a mistake? that the problem you're having isn't your fault, and up and up and up.. and that I enjoyed telling you want you needed to know?
Sure I could not do that and now no longer need to worry about it but... Its that or hold it in. That's the loneliness. Being unable to share and holding things in is incredibly destructive. I haven't started EP8 to see how Krista actually copes with who Elliot really is.. but I've had my Krista's and for the most part while I know I could have done things differently about how I treat certain people.. I've found support.
But at the end of the day I love too many people and can't help myself nevermind them all. From here on I'd love to not have to hold anything in.. but it is cool to still be able to express my heart and help people where I see the need.