A few years ago, I don't recall the events or reasons, but I started following @thelmasleaze on Twitter and Tumblr.
Being that I'm fairly square it was difficult at first to adjust to just how alternative she is but her personality is just so captivating, and her drive so infectious that I figured I should at least learn about everything she stood for.
Almost everything that she was posting about on Tumblr and Twitter was counter to what I was taught. It was really liberating to have this outspoken advocate for Trans and Female sexworkers rights educating me through her Tumblr posts and many Tweets.
Tumblr being the great place that it is for signal boosting and general education for such things, social issues, that most people would pass off as unimportant, that I really think more people ought to be pushed towards Tumblr for sensitivity training.
Anyhow, the thing is that over the years you get a sense for who a person is, regardless of if you're only seeing a public persona that person has created versus who that person is.
When you get to bridge that gap and actually meet someone you get to click the rest of the pieces into place.
I was offered such an opportunity quite out of the blue when she decided to come visit Montreal. And that was truly bizarre because I'd only just started to catch her on Periscope and so could chat with her. There wasn't even that much of it.
It was like great you're coming to Montreal so of course I'd love to take the opportunity to meet you! This person that I'd virtually idolized for years because of how much I'd learned just by following her on social media.
So it sucks that she ended up calling me a creep and blocked me on those networks.
It had been a few days since she'd landed here and to be fair since it was so short notice I didn't have the option of arranging time off or rescheduling my work shifts to have time off to see her.
It was basically today or never.
Never seems to have been a better outcome since today was such a clusterfuck.
I was like I'll come pick you up in a bit .. I just need to have a shower. And from her perspective that was all she heard before it hit the fan.
Hours later I accidentally called her.
As I'm holding the phone in my hand cursing the damn thing because Google Hangouts just doesn't give a fuck.. because it had dialed her number instead of opening the txt thread we had going.. I was like.. uh fuck sorry I meant to text you.
Because I knew the clowns were all dead and everyone had gone home at this point.
Because at this point I was 1 turn away from home. Without having met her as had been arranged.
I mean I was fucking right there. I could have reached out and smacked her.. but maybe wasn't close enough to smell her perfume.
I was running late. Due to the construction that plagues this city. I knew that something wasn't right.. but simply being late isn't a deal breaker. Seeing her leaving her place and hopping into another car.. was.
So I was like.. wiff.. I was that close to meeting this person that I'd been so eager to get to know on a personal level and it got fucked up. And I'd only gotten out of the car TO meet her and say well here's the thing.. I think my car is broken.. but was about 18 seconds too late. She was in another car. Didn't even see me.
I even asked later while in disaster control if it had been her.. which was somewhat corroborated by texts that had queued while I was still in transit over to her place... but which she denied.
Fine whatever.. It was already a clusterfuck for meeting her. Something nice that could have happened but ultimately wasn't meant to be.
So to the real shit storm.
My wheel was not centered when I got back into the car.
And I was driving straight.
I'm no stranger to white knuckle driving.. being from Montreal and all.. but I didn't think that any of the bumps that time woudl be any more devastating than usual.
My bad.
For no real reason, perhaps just the shock have having been late arriving to her place due to road construction detours.. and seeing her hop into another car.. even if it was just an Uber.. though that sucked hard.. and probably wasn't the walk of shame I deserved.. I cracked the windows.
And aside from the wheel being cocked to an odd angle something was squeaking.. squealing as I drove away. I wouldn't have heard it if I hadn't cracked the window.. but something.. Something wasn't right.
Getting back onto the highway for the 40 minute trip home the steering was weird. It drove properly but for the wheel being cocked to an odd angle.. but was drifting in the lane.
I don't need this.. not while I'm already in shock and it hasn't even registered. After all the bullshit this year has had to offer.. and probably getting laid off in the next few weeks.. I don't need a broken car.
At one point at LaSalle's Dollard there's a turn where I really had to grip the wheel and hoped Jesus was with me because with the windows open I could hear one of the wheels squealing. This either means a break issue or an alignment issue. Otherwise it would have been apparent that the wheel wasn't rolling properly.
I wasn't about to stop. But going 100 in a 70.. as is only prudent.. with a squealing tire.. so obviously as far from prudent as could be.. my mind is blank.
There's no life as such to flash by.. there's no care for the other drivers whipping by.. there's just lane holding and prayer.
Don't stop. DO NOT STOP.
I'm not in a position to stop this vehicle simply because I'd started going and the road has no safe shoulder to stop on. This is Montreal.
So 40 minutes of this later I have to stop and turn.
I manage to snap a pic of the cocked steering wheel and pray that it will make the next, and penultimate turn once the light changed.
It did. And kept speed, even if only 30.
It however didn't stop again. It went pancake. In a puff of fuckmylife smoke. Maybe a car has a soul.. and it wafted away in the thin cold 11pm breeze.
I hopped out and again possibly due to the double shock of having stood up a beautiful young woman I'd have died to meet and get to know, and barely having survived apparently.. Got coffee.
I had to, get coffee, simply because I don't have a cell phone and I needed to make a call for a tow. Something impossible to explain in my then stupor to the cops that materialized 1 minute before my tow arrived. And possibly because I failed to care to translate to french for them.
I don't have a phone on a mobile network. I have Google Voice which means I need wifi. And yeah basically that's shit for emergencies.
So I'm on the phone with CAA (AAA) trying to call a tow, while sipping my coffee, which annoyed me when he put it in front of me because it was only a large and not an Extra Large.. and I'm like right I'm in shock or I would have ordered an XL.
But then Timmies helped my situation by throwing me out because it was 11pm.
Into the dead cold of night to wait for a tow. To get around the corner
An hour later the cops are on the scene making asses of themselves. And thank good the tow was on their heels of they'd have been up my ass again about my vehicle registration.
Of course not standing in the road taking pictures of them and the wreck that was my life's breath.. but yeah I'm in shock at the situation. How it is my life that's wrecked, not just the car.. or the friendship that never was.
10 minutes later there's a junker in the driveway and I'm on Destiny.
I stood her up . I broke my car. I will play Destiny.. Tell me if I'm wrong but..