Originally I meant to post something else, but I don't know if I should leave this public. because for weeks driving home in the following state of mind is basically too dangerous and I need to have my license revoked for driving at all.
Basically that I spent most of my teenage years unwilling to drive. I had no reason to drive. I didn't want to drive. I played many video games regarding driving and was very good at them Tets Drive, NFS and Burnout in particular. But I also had attention issues which made me very unwilling to drive. It is actually so bad that I bought The Crew and can't get myself to actually play it. I can't drive in the state of mind I've been in. Not that I wasn't able to hold attention on the road or anything, but from the video games I knew the consequences of wrong turns, spacing out, of not breaking at the right time.. that if you just aren't careful it isn't just you who dies but anyone else in the way.
But then I tried go-karting and that was that. I'm fairly sure I had gone for my written before that, but the practical exercise of diving a go-kart so fast and care free? It was like the video games. I beat most of the people that went except the seasoned veterans. It reminded me of the racing games I loved so much. I went again more recently (years ago now) and destroyed everyone.
But since then, driving, as much as I love it.. is a chore. You can't do it the way you want because of all the rules, regulations and restrictions. I want freedom. I want speed. I want to be reckless and that's how I want to love.
Until I met you. Now I know this all for fact. Everything about you was like my heart being sent back in time to the race porn that was Burnout Revenge by Electronic Art's Criterion Games. Those useless fucks.
I'm not going to talk about how Criterion's version is everything that you are and what love should be.. but suffice it to say that my heart was set free again. It was beating like it never had before, my foot was glued to the floor and I was heading everywhere at 140 MPH.
But when that brick wall appeared, where in reality there were several, and you bailed, and I hit that wall, the wind still screaming through the windows that was my life which I'd finally felt like I was living by choice instead of force, I wasn't ready.
I wasn't wearing a seat belt. My heart was ripped right out of my chest when I went from 140 MPH to 0, and flew straight through the wind screen like buckshot. It made quite a mess on that series of brick walls every time. Like I'd get out, collect what remained and got right back in and went right back up to 140. You might not have been with me those subsequent times, if you were really even there the first time.
It was my recklessness that I knew and feared would cause problems. I didn't care. I don't care. No matter what I love driving. I want to drive. It is in my blood. You're the fuel. The highest octane that exists.
What I've know for ever and ever is that I want a passenger there. I've only had one once and it was good. Holding her hand as we drove. Her serenity. She was calm no matter how I drove. No matter how recklessly because frankly the rest of her life was a rolling train wreck and I wanted to be an effect of calm and mostly was regardless. I want the ride to mean something if not just for me. I want the wind to scream louder than the music we're making that's blaring out of the car no matter how obnoxious or what anyone cares or thinks.
I need passengers and I wanted you in my car. I wanted you in my life.
Without you as my passenger I'm heading nowhere or just spinning my wheels into clouds of toxic smoke. Like I hit that last wall and lost the will to live. Or as I've feared am broken or ruined and don't know how to get into gear again. Like my heart was finally a Pollock on the wall and I just sat there stunned admiring the mess. No idea where I am, where I've come from where I should go or how.
Driving is too dull otherwise. Life is too dull without you.