normally I wouldnt get personal on here
but Ive pretty much got to the end of my tether and its time to let go or burst. My marriage has hit the skids at 90mph,things just couldnt carry on that way,theres only so much a person can stand before they just have to crack.Im not a cruel person,and you guys dont need to know all the details-anyone who needs to know already does.Therefore I will simply say that when people are unhappy they can cause stupid amounts of pain to people they love,and its not healthy or right. Thats as may be,we have to see what goes from here,but leave it to me to go and complicate the issue by adding someone else to the mix.Again,no names,people who need to know already do,and its noone elses damn business,but what started as one drunk thing seems to have gotten more serious,and oh fuck do I like this person.Hes awesome,I like and respect him,we have loads in common,and oh holy shit do I fancy him,hes a perfect drinking buddy and all round GREAT guy.Whats the problem? Well,timing in a word. I know that the sensible,unselfish option is to say 'okay,so stuff happened,its all good,now time to stop before anyone gets hurt.' Unfortunately,there is a limit to how long I can be unselfish.Anyone with kids will get that you sacrifice a lot for them,mostly without even considering it.I would gladly do anything for my baby,and I dont even regret 99% of what I may have given up in her name.Now though,Im faced with something that could tear her world apart,leave lasting damage and generally fuck up everything.All because right now I want to be selfish for once and say 'fuck it,this is something I dont want to give up.' I dont know,its all just got mind bogglingly complicated.And the worst part is,it should be simple.I shouldnt even bat an eyelid at this choice.Security,stability and happiness for my daughter verses something that may be nothing,and that wont go on for long if I know this person like I think I do.Add to the fact Im very fucking stubborn,VERY independent and could quite happily live without a guy in my life on a full time basis,and you have a recipe for disaster.If this is reaching anyone who knows me,or has had any kind of regular contact with me for the last few months,then maybe some of my erratic behaviour is starting to make sense.Not to mention my chain smoking,wipeout drinking,comfort eating ,insomnia induced hysteria.I can take some things better than others,but right now Id stand in a boxing ring and go up against the biggest angriest fucker in the place just to avoid this.Bruises can always heal,physical stuff is usually transitory,but mental shit is a killer. Its a choice that isnt even a choice,because there is only one logical,right step to take. Just wish it was the one that I wanted at this precise second in time. This blog will probably hurt or surprise a fair few people,and for that Im sorry.Never underestimate me in terms of what I can get through,believe me come WW3 it'll be me and the roaches crawling out of the bunker,but even I have a pressure guage that creeps into the red sometimes.
well,THAT was cathartic.Im kind of tempted to hit delete right now,because I know tomorrow Ill read this and go 'for fucks sake,why dnt you just ruin a persons holiday,and cause a lot of questions to be asked into the bargain,' but another part of me feels that if I cant talk to anyone about this,then it has to come out somewhere,and seeing as how this place is like emo heaven,maybe the whole angst thing will make them feel better or something.Dont expect this to stay here for long.
but Ive pretty much got to the end of my tether and its time to let go or burst. My marriage has hit the skids at 90mph,things just couldnt carry on that way,theres only so much a person can stand before they just have to crack.Im not a cruel person,and you guys dont need to know all the details-anyone who needs to know already does.Therefore I will simply say that when people are unhappy they can cause stupid amounts of pain to people they love,and its not healthy or right. Thats as may be,we have to see what goes from here,but leave it to me to go and complicate the issue by adding someone else to the mix.Again,no names,people who need to know already do,and its noone elses damn business,but what started as one drunk thing seems to have gotten more serious,and oh fuck do I like this person.Hes awesome,I like and respect him,we have loads in common,and oh holy shit do I fancy him,hes a perfect drinking buddy and all round GREAT guy.Whats the problem? Well,timing in a word. I know that the sensible,unselfish option is to say 'okay,so stuff happened,its all good,now time to stop before anyone gets hurt.' Unfortunately,there is a limit to how long I can be unselfish.Anyone with kids will get that you sacrifice a lot for them,mostly without even considering it.I would gladly do anything for my baby,and I dont even regret 99% of what I may have given up in her name.Now though,Im faced with something that could tear her world apart,leave lasting damage and generally fuck up everything.All because right now I want to be selfish for once and say 'fuck it,this is something I dont want to give up.' I dont know,its all just got mind bogglingly complicated.And the worst part is,it should be simple.I shouldnt even bat an eyelid at this choice.Security,stability and happiness for my daughter verses something that may be nothing,and that wont go on for long if I know this person like I think I do.Add to the fact Im very fucking stubborn,VERY independent and could quite happily live without a guy in my life on a full time basis,and you have a recipe for disaster.If this is reaching anyone who knows me,or has had any kind of regular contact with me for the last few months,then maybe some of my erratic behaviour is starting to make sense.Not to mention my chain smoking,wipeout drinking,comfort eating ,insomnia induced hysteria.I can take some things better than others,but right now Id stand in a boxing ring and go up against the biggest angriest fucker in the place just to avoid this.Bruises can always heal,physical stuff is usually transitory,but mental shit is a killer. Its a choice that isnt even a choice,because there is only one logical,right step to take. Just wish it was the one that I wanted at this precise second in time. This blog will probably hurt or surprise a fair few people,and for that Im sorry.Never underestimate me in terms of what I can get through,believe me come WW3 it'll be me and the roaches crawling out of the bunker,but even I have a pressure guage that creeps into the red sometimes.
well,THAT was cathartic.Im kind of tempted to hit delete right now,because I know tomorrow Ill read this and go 'for fucks sake,why dnt you just ruin a persons holiday,and cause a lot of questions to be asked into the bargain,' but another part of me feels that if I cant talk to anyone about this,then it has to come out somewhere,and seeing as how this place is like emo heaven,maybe the whole angst thing will make them feel better or something.Dont expect this to stay here for long.