This is actually an old blog post I wrote some time ago. Ah well.
Death seemed to be a central word around my person in 2010. The suicide attempts, the death of friendships and bonds and of course the bone-cancer. A guy I talk to every now and then at the local 7/11 asked me why I could still smile. It's a fair question, it's a good question.
Granted, I'm not "fine" nor am I "ok". But I'm not scared or not ready for death. I have lived, I have done things, seen things many people will never see or do. Amazing things, from swimming with wild orca's to finding someone who can really touch you. Those are the reasons why I still smile.
When I first got the news about the nasty little bugger inside of me, my personal doctor asked me if I needed counselling. "Counselling?" I asked, "why the balls do I need that?". According to him most people cry or break down when they hear such news. I didn't. Yeah I got cancer, big freaking deal. It's not a particular unique illness. People die of it every single day. Yet people went "I'm so sorry etc etc". Why? People die, that's life, the sooner you accept that, the easier it is to move on. Perhaps I am just completely numb to death and anything related to it.
Worst case scenario...I'll be dead in 5 to 7 years. That's not that bad, could be worse, could be months right? 5 years is a long time. I have done so many things in the past 5 years that 5 years of living seems like a long time to me now.
When you have this, you can either tell people or don't. I opted for the first option. I only told them once, and never spoke about it in detail again with those persons. Most reactions were of the "ow I'm sorry". I appreciate the sentiment, but don't feel sorry for me really. I don't need nor want pity. And of course there is the occasional muppet saying "well, you got what you deserve, sucks to be you". Yes sometimes it does suck to be me, but overall, it's awesome to be me. I have lived, loved and lost. Took chances and risks. I moved countries twice for reasons that any sane rational man or woman would never have considered or thought wise. I live by heart, not mind. While that is risky, the positive experiences I carry with me from those events I carry with me till I die, some quite literally. Live without regrets. At one point it was exactly what you wanted.
From the deserts of Afghanistan to hotels in the UK. I have the seen the worst and the best of people. Yes I am not always nice, yes I have done things that I probably shouldn't have. But in the end, when I meet my maker and he asks me how I did...I can look him or her in the eyes and say "I think I did ok".
Though it's not always that easy. Recently I got a letter from the lovely guys at the insurance company saying that I still needed to fill in my "choice" of coffin. Like seriously? Why? There won't be a ceremony or something like that. Just chuck me in the ground and be done with it. I'm not leaving anyone behind. I still had to pick one. And they actually have stores for that. Did you know this? I walked in, and this guy came up to me and asked if he could help. I told him I wanted the grey one to go please, with extra stuffing and some coke. Bad bad joke on my part I know.
I finally just pointed at a cheap one and took it. And then it hit. I am going to die one day. Probably sooner than anyone I know. And that thought triggered a flood load of memories. At that moment, if I could wish for anything in the world, I wouldn't wish that I got better, no. I'd wish I would have my one special person back whom I could always talk to, about anything. But alas, this is not a Disney movie so it sucked to be me that day.
It's not easy to go through it alone, I don't even know how I will handle the "final days" alone. Yet it's what I want. I don't want people mourning, I don't want to leave anyone behind. And as such serious relationships are totally out of the question. I wouldn't be able to put someone through it. Like "hey, you are cute, let's date" "sure ok" "ow, by the way, there is a good chance I'll be dead in 7 years". How is that fair to that person? It's not. I'd rather be alone and die alone, than to not be alone and knowing that I will hurt someone deeply with my passing. Always put others before yourself. A life motto I didn't live up to last year. I can't make that year right, but I can spare someone else the grief and pain in the years to come. That's not a hard choice to make for me. Like I have said before, some people are meant for relationships, others are not. I'm not scared to admit that I am one of the "nots".
That doesn't mean I can't enjoy life. While it's true that I wish that I didn't have this. It's also true that nothing can be done about it. At least not with today's medicine. You can either go cry in a corner about it, or put your chin up, shoulders straight and say: It's me against the world. I might not win, but boy will I give them a fight to remember.
Death seemed to be a central word around my person in 2010. The suicide attempts, the death of friendships and bonds and of course the bone-cancer. A guy I talk to every now and then at the local 7/11 asked me why I could still smile. It's a fair question, it's a good question.
Granted, I'm not "fine" nor am I "ok". But I'm not scared or not ready for death. I have lived, I have done things, seen things many people will never see or do. Amazing things, from swimming with wild orca's to finding someone who can really touch you. Those are the reasons why I still smile.
When I first got the news about the nasty little bugger inside of me, my personal doctor asked me if I needed counselling. "Counselling?" I asked, "why the balls do I need that?". According to him most people cry or break down when they hear such news. I didn't. Yeah I got cancer, big freaking deal. It's not a particular unique illness. People die of it every single day. Yet people went "I'm so sorry etc etc". Why? People die, that's life, the sooner you accept that, the easier it is to move on. Perhaps I am just completely numb to death and anything related to it.
Worst case scenario...I'll be dead in 5 to 7 years. That's not that bad, could be worse, could be months right? 5 years is a long time. I have done so many things in the past 5 years that 5 years of living seems like a long time to me now.
When you have this, you can either tell people or don't. I opted for the first option. I only told them once, and never spoke about it in detail again with those persons. Most reactions were of the "ow I'm sorry". I appreciate the sentiment, but don't feel sorry for me really. I don't need nor want pity. And of course there is the occasional muppet saying "well, you got what you deserve, sucks to be you". Yes sometimes it does suck to be me, but overall, it's awesome to be me. I have lived, loved and lost. Took chances and risks. I moved countries twice for reasons that any sane rational man or woman would never have considered or thought wise. I live by heart, not mind. While that is risky, the positive experiences I carry with me from those events I carry with me till I die, some quite literally. Live without regrets. At one point it was exactly what you wanted.
From the deserts of Afghanistan to hotels in the UK. I have the seen the worst and the best of people. Yes I am not always nice, yes I have done things that I probably shouldn't have. But in the end, when I meet my maker and he asks me how I did...I can look him or her in the eyes and say "I think I did ok".
Though it's not always that easy. Recently I got a letter from the lovely guys at the insurance company saying that I still needed to fill in my "choice" of coffin. Like seriously? Why? There won't be a ceremony or something like that. Just chuck me in the ground and be done with it. I'm not leaving anyone behind. I still had to pick one. And they actually have stores for that. Did you know this? I walked in, and this guy came up to me and asked if he could help. I told him I wanted the grey one to go please, with extra stuffing and some coke. Bad bad joke on my part I know.
I finally just pointed at a cheap one and took it. And then it hit. I am going to die one day. Probably sooner than anyone I know. And that thought triggered a flood load of memories. At that moment, if I could wish for anything in the world, I wouldn't wish that I got better, no. I'd wish I would have my one special person back whom I could always talk to, about anything. But alas, this is not a Disney movie so it sucked to be me that day.
It's not easy to go through it alone, I don't even know how I will handle the "final days" alone. Yet it's what I want. I don't want people mourning, I don't want to leave anyone behind. And as such serious relationships are totally out of the question. I wouldn't be able to put someone through it. Like "hey, you are cute, let's date" "sure ok" "ow, by the way, there is a good chance I'll be dead in 7 years". How is that fair to that person? It's not. I'd rather be alone and die alone, than to not be alone and knowing that I will hurt someone deeply with my passing. Always put others before yourself. A life motto I didn't live up to last year. I can't make that year right, but I can spare someone else the grief and pain in the years to come. That's not a hard choice to make for me. Like I have said before, some people are meant for relationships, others are not. I'm not scared to admit that I am one of the "nots".
That doesn't mean I can't enjoy life. While it's true that I wish that I didn't have this. It's also true that nothing can be done about it. At least not with today's medicine. You can either go cry in a corner about it, or put your chin up, shoulders straight and say: It's me against the world. I might not win, but boy will I give them a fight to remember.