Who remembers the story of the first Thanksgiving?
Well, 1 million years ago, Jesus & the Pelicans left England because they were tired of religious prostitution. So they set sail on 3 Ships, El Nino, The Pinto & The Super Mario. They traveled 40 days and 40 nights(the story of Lent) til they landed on fraggly rock. Their they met a bunch of native indians who had began opening a chain of convenience stores called 7/11.
Jesus and the Native Indians begain discussions to live in unity. They signed their contracts for peace. In honor of this they wanted to join in a meal together. Taco Bell was closed that day. So they decided to make a meal of their own. They wanted it to be special so they choose turkeys because it was a term used in their favorite game, bowling. Gordy Stouffer, the town idiot thought it would be hilarious to sneak into the kitchen as the women were prepping the meal to take the turkeys insides out and shove bread up its ass. Little did he know he was inventing stuffing which we enjoy today.
The women cooked the bird and being not as medically safe back then the people had many diseases. Including bloody diarrhea. Chief Keef, the head Indian remarked that it looked as it they had sat in cranberries. Thus leading to the cranberry sauce tradition.
Soon the meal was completed and time to eat. Jesus, the Indians and the Pelicans all sat around the table and feasted. Jesus' aunt Martha criticized the life choices of some of the younger people eating. Stating that back when she was young they did things different and made better life choices than the kids today. The young Indians and pelicans would scoff and tell her to have another cocktail and quietly remark about Martha having been divorced twice and that she really had no room to talk. The tradition of judgment of the young by elders is still a popular one today
And there you have it guys. The first Thanksgiving story