The year 2013 started very much the way 2012 ended; finding myself in a relationship I very much wanted to be in, but was rarely met halfway. She was always "too busy" or had "no time" to see me, and after not seeing her during Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or New Year's, or my birthday near the end of January, I sunk lower and lower into the abyss, believing that somehow it was my fault. Valentine's Day came and went, then March, and soon April was bringing the first hints of Spring, and like Winter, my patience withered and faded away.
Coming upon my first week of vacation in early April, I was determined to not spend any more time trying to figure out an impossible equation (her behavior) and finally decided to end things. It wasn't what I wanted, and I explained that, but I wasn't about to be treated like any less of a person for any longer while having done nothing wrong. I could give no more, yet it tore me apart to leave behind someone that I loved. I don't give up during times of hardship, I don't people behind, but I wouldn't be left behind without reason. It was time for a change, a hard decision, but ultimately what I felt was the right one.
I struggled, still, for sometime, nearly backing out of going to Tough Mudder Philly with my friends, something I'd been training for since late 2012 when we first decided to sign up, but I pushed forward, working 8 nights in a row, then the 9th morning, and drove to Philly that Friday for the big Saturday. We conquered the course in a little over 4 hours, and I was finally greeted with a sense of accomplishment for doing something positive. I felt like a new person, someone who hadn't give up in the face of months of agony, but continued on, even with the smallest of steps, to new and unexpected challenges and conquered them.
People often seek turning points in their lives as if they'll arrive as some cinematic epiphany, with all the puzzle pieces falling into place and everything suddenly making sense. Well, real life, or with how it's gone thus far, my life, doesn't live and breathe with such grandeur. It's often the smaller moments, little decisions that we don't count on being so important, that make the biggest impact. Choosing to face difficulty head on in the present, to gain greater self importance and respect further down the line. We are creatures that now come to expect near instant gratification and results in most areas of our lives, but the long haul, in my case, provided the most iron clad and stable reward: I gained a greater sense of self, a self that shouldn't be threatened with degradation and unimportance in the face of allowing myself to be vulnerable. We should all have the chance to be vulnerable without constantly checking the rear view for what might be creeping up behind us, just as it shouldn't keep us afraid of the unknown that lies ahead. I needed to gain that back, I'm still in the process really, but I feel more "myself" than I have in a long time. I like myself, I like how I feel, I like the direction I'm headed in, and I like that I found it all on my own.
There's much more to this story, to the second half of 2013, but I'll get to that in a few days. I plan on writing a lot more this year, once again finding faith in my own words, so stay tuned.
Happy New Year, and make 2014 yours in whatever way you want. There's so much out there for the taking, it just takes a little faith.